Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: Max Cantor asks me to write a monologue with the title "Murder: The most important meal of the day."

Oh, you mean the cannikabals. The sect of Judaism that absorbed tradition digestively. Obviously there was some initial drama over the "thou shalt not kill" thing, but they bought people on the fair market. After that the mainstream Jews rejected them for being non-kosher, and the sect broke off to do its own thing. They were permitted to eat any learned person they liked six days a week, but on the sabbath to partake in at least part of a Rabbi. A very literal people with a personal connection to the indigestible Yahweh, they always set a place at their table for the Lord. The cannikabals never converted to secularism like other Jewish cultures because secularism isn't inheritable by diet, or at least not from a single, heavy meal. Today they run respectable lobbying firms in the U.S. and E.U., defending themselves against what they view as their greatest threats: anti-semitism and childhood obesity.


  1. *tears streaming down my face from laughing*

    And you just said my drunk karaoke singing unicorn piece was "OUT THERE"

    Oh my gosh, this just made my week.

  2. OOOWW. I'm howling. Let my people go..to the buffet..

  3. Just learned how to make matzoh brei, but it was missing something.

    Now I know what.

    Laughter is an instant vacation, as Milton Berle once said.

    Thank you for the trip. :)

  4. After this piece you really can't suggest that Karen's was out there at all...or anyone else's. :)

    What would be served in their buffet?

  5. Does this disqualify me from telling people their fiction is out-there, or does it make me more qualified? Maybe I'll eat you to find out!

  6. *quietly tip-toes out of John's reach*

  7. Since Laura left, I'm next in line so I'll tiptoe out, too, and leave it to Michael and Karen to handle John's appetite.

    *decides to run*

  8. There are a few sect-dishes I'd love to sink my teeth into! Awesome monologue!

  9. I think it's pretty apropos that I actually finished watching a documentary called "American Cannibal."

    But really hilarious, John...


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