Friday, December 3, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: Thoughts Down from 40,000 Feet

At 40,000: “The handle totally doesn’t move. It’s locked. I’ll bet you a tequila it doesn’t.”

At 39,997: “Son of a bitch!”

At 39,000: “Oh my God, it is fucking cold up here.”

At 38,000: “Oh my God, I’m going to die.”

At 36,000: “Oh my God, it is fucking cold up here. I wonder if I’ll shatter when I hit the ground.”

At 33,000: “If I spread out my limbs I’ll slow down. I can survive this.”

At 32,500: “If I curl up into a ball it’s a fuck of a lot warmer.”

At 32,000: “Curling into a ball will protect me too, right? I can tuck and roll when I reach the ground.”

At 31,000: “Rationalizing is dangerous.”

At 29,000: “Would I rather die? Or land, have all my bones pulverized, and be a human ball of goo in a wheelchair forever? Like Stephen Hawking but dumb?”

At 26,000: “Why doesn’t everyone on an airplane wear a parachute? The tickets are really expensive.”

At 25,000: “How much does a parachute cost?”

At 24,000 “My shirt could stretch out into a sweet parachute. I’ll float to safety and look damn sexy on some random local news program.”

At 23,950: “Well that failed.”

At 23,900: “Oh my God, it is fucking cold up here.”

At 22,000 “Why didn’t I dare Jake to pull the lever instead?”

At 20,000: “If I studied for half an hour per test, and had at least one test every two weeks, in at least six classes per year, from first grade through high school…”

At 18,000 “I spent over a thousand hours reading boring shit in my life and none if it is going to stop me from hitting the ground. Teachers are paid too much.”

At 17,000: “I wonder if they’ll have a funeral.”

At 16,700: “I wonder if Jenifer will be there. I wish I’d hit that.”

At 16,500: “Jenifer totally wouldn’t let me hit that.”

At 16,100: “Jenifer totally would let me hit that now that I’m dead. Why can’t I get pre-emptive grief sex?”

At 13,000: “I wonder if my mortician is secretly a necrophiliac. They’ve all got to be, right? Why else would you hang out with dead bodies.”

At 12,500: “I wonder if I’ll get a mortician. A wet-vac makes more sense.”

At 12,000: “God, if you save me I’ll totally start going to church. Just answer this prayer.”

At 11,500: “‘No’ is not a viable answer to this prayer.”

At 11,000: “Unless they have my funeral in a church, in which case I’ll have gone to church even if you say ‘No.’”

At 10,900: “You’re a crafty one, God.”

At 10,000: “Oh man those are pine trees? And all the little cars. Life really does look like a Godzilla movie from up here. I thought they just had shitty budgets.”

At 9,000: “It would be really sweet to be Rodan right now.”

At 8,000: “It would be really sweet to be any kind of creature that can fly right now.”

At 7,000: “No, Rodan is the sweetest.”

At 6,000: “Is this really all I have to think about before I die?”

At 5,000: “I wish I was more sad. Maybe I’m a sociopath.”

At 4,000: “They will totally call me a sociopath. I opened the door on a freaking plane.”

At 3,000: “Dad will just call me a moron.”

At 2,000: “Fuck you, Dad.”

At 1,500: “I wonder if this would be more impressive if I was born a hundred years ago. No TV and special effects movie bullshit making crazy shit seem unimpressive.”

At 500: “Nah. They didn’t have planes back then.”


  1. Oh my fucking gawd, John. That was hilarious! I was going to list my favorites, but there's just too many. Probably the "goo" one, but the t-shirt, the cold, God, dad, morticians. It was just too much. Big goofy grin face.

  2. Pre-emptive grief sex ;) - only a boy.
    I loved this post.
    I wonder how different a female pilot's inner-monologue would have been?

  3. Oh man this cracks me up. I like a guy who can keep his sense of humour when he's about to face-plant the Earth!

    Is this how long it would really take to land? Gah! I bet my thoughts would be similarly irrelevant! I love it. :)

  4. “You’re a crafty one, God.”

    To me, that was the best one of them all. The humor in this piece, though dark, was top notch.

  5. Laughs from start to finish. How do you dream up this stuff? Amazing!

  6. This is so funny! Well done, it's a fantastic piece of writing. I laughed so many times.

    (FYI Teeny typo at 26k ft wearing/wear)

  7. Great laugh at 6 AM today. Made me wonder-yeah, why don't you get a parachute? Those tickets are expensive.

  8. The thing is, I suspect that those are exactly the kind of things I'd be thinking about too, in that situation. Even the pre-emptive grief sex.

  9. Funny! Thats why they call it To-kill-ya or is it tequila? Where do you come up with these ideas?

  10. Kudos to you, sir. I can totally see these thoughts going through someone's head as they plummeted to their death. You'd hope it would be something profound, but I'm guessing it'd be closer to this. And I loved the line "Like Stephen Hawking but dumb." Great story, and great way to present it!

  11. Yeah, way too many funny lines to point out just one...the "hit that" bit was a real knee-slapper though!

  12. "You're a crafty one, God," and "pre-emptive grief sex" and "Like Stephen Hawking but dumb" were all priceless. The whole thing's priceless, and just too funny. Yeah, my mind would probably work like that in that situation, too. Excellent story, John!

  13. Oh nuts John. I think I peed my pants a little. Your fault, innit. "Pre-emptive grief sex" hit the mark for me. I'm gonna try that on the next good looking woman I meet - play the pre-emptive pity card, see how far that gets me. I can't help wonder if this is a compressed version of an entire life: we think random silly shit from birth to death and call that "life". Amazing work John.

  14. Very funny as ever a very grim and truthful way. Amogn others, I loved "No is not a vioable answer to this prayer"

  15. The black humour of this is so well crafted; moments of laugh out loud and moments of morbidity. Brilliant.
    Adam B @revhappiness

  16. This is wonderfully executed. My favorite line: Fuck you, Dad. That's this guy's life in a nutshell, right there.

  17. I was cracking up and anxious at the same time. "I wonder if my mortician is already a necrophiliac." Wow John...just wow...LMAO

  18. Some really great lines in there and it's kind of list based, always a winner with me. It would be sweet to be Rodan in most situations, or maybe Mothra.

  19. John, there is no way that I could pick a favourite line from this, they are all so good, it kept me guessing, and laughing all the way down. Thank you.

  20. Oh Gawd, this is so funny! I loved the goo line, but the entire story cracked me up. Peace...

  21. I could have sworn I left a note on here! This is a great piece, I couldn't stop laughing.

  22. I got a chuckle out of this one. Nicely done, it reminded me of RadioLab's falling episode.

    I particularly liked, “If I curl up into a ball it’s a fuck of a lot warmer.” because I imagine most of his additional warmth is a figment of his imagination.

  23. Hilarious, John! I love so many of the lines, but "Teachers are paid too much" made me laugh out loud. Great idea, great execution, great lines!

  24. EH, as someone who hates to fly, this was extremely disconcerting. I wonder what kind of bargains I'd make with God, though LOL.

  25. At 3,000: “Dad will just call me a moron.”

    At 2,000: “Fuck you, Dad.”

    Totally my favorite :) This was really funny, and we all know how I love funny (since I don't write it all that well :P) Good job :)

  26. This roll of comments was a wonderful thing to read on a Sunday morning. Getting back in tonight, but get to address these now. Thank you all so much!

    Danni, it is sort of an onslaught of funny thoughts. Glad that worked for you.

    Elaine, you thought he was a pilot?

    Jen, I honestly don't know how long it would take to land. I tried some math, then just mulled over the thought process. I make no claims of scientific accuracy.

    Stephen, I tried to stray onto the funny end of “dark.” Lighthearted morbidity, if you will.

    Cathy, this sort of stuff comes largely from dropping as many pretensions as possible. When there's just the embarrassing and the dumb left behind, comedy business is so much easier.

    Rebecca, thanks for catching my typo!

    Herr Tiffany, right? There should be one in the stupid seat cushion.

    Mazz, thanks for rebutting Elaine. Girls do desire pre-emptive grief sex!

    GP, this one was not my idea. Someone on Twitter (I can't remember or find whom) challenged me to write a story about falling or somesuch. How to make it funny has been brewing ever since.

    Eric, wouldn't we all like to be profound at the end? I hope when Hawking finally punches out that he'll do so with a wink.

    Harry, haha, one of the guys had to like the “hitting that,” right?

    Gracie, who would you curse at the end?

    Mike, the highest compliment I can get in humor is making somebody pee themselves. From dead prose come laughs that hard? Yeah, that makes me feel all warm... I hope I don't have to change my shorts.

  27. Virginia, that's probably my favorite line, too. Glad we share that one.

    Tony and Seleste, he defintiely has daddy issues. If only he'd been so succinct about them in life.

    Rachel, rambling absurdity and goofyness lets me get at a lot of places. Even gross ones.

    Adam Keeper, I'd be wary of becoming Mothra. She dies at least once per movie. Sometimes even more often. The turnover rate is dangerous.

    Steve Green, thank you for reading. It is kind of cheating to go all greatest-hits, but I'm glad it worked on you!

    Rev/Adam, Linda, Ramsey, Jax and Mr. John McDonnell,, thank you for the kind words.

    Aidan, as I mentioned before, I make no claims to scientific accuracy. I imagined it might be a little warmer if he tucked himself up, but he'd still be freezing. It could certainly be imagined warmth.

    TS, what does “EH” stand for? Or were you making the “eh” sound at me for bringing up your fear? I'm a sissy about heights, myself.

  28. “You’re a crafty one, God.”

    My nose and my coffee nearly had a horrible accident. But you're forgiven for the whole creepy, unsettling Sunday thing. ;)

  29. Rodan? That's an oddly artistic thing for our young neanderthal to be thinking.
    Hmmm, but i thought it was spelled "rodin." Better look this up.
    Ah, I see. Rodan is a monster with wings. Yes, that is totally fitting for this young man.
    Besides, Rodin was a sculptor rather than a painter which would've been really cool given his vantage point.
    Ah well. a lost opportunity for sure.
    {lmbo with this one, John - well done :-) }

  30. Thoughts about why I didn't have a parachute after buying such an expensive ticket would definitely cross my mind. Absolutely hilarious!

  31. Let's hear it for the Darwin Awards!

    This was hilarious - in a really, really dark way. Although, the guy kept his sardonic view of things...all the way down.

    "...A wet-vac makes more sense..."

    That just got me.

    Excellent stuff.

  32. Okay, this made me shriek with laughter the whole way through. "Fuck you, Dad" and "No is not a viable answer, God" were particularly loud shrieks. (I liked it so much I got out of bed to get my keyboard, which takes some effort recently!)`

  33. "Tucking and rolling", I realized "rationalizing is always dangerous" when enjoying the freefall for all at THE BATHROOM MONOLOGUES where I just viewed John's "thankyou" for admiration in the form of peeing.

    Now you can't make stuff like this up. But oh yeah baby ~ JOHN CAN! Wowzers Sir Wiswell. You do it so swell.

    ~ Absolutely*Kate

  34. That was soooooooo strange and funny! I think I'd just have the same thought all the way down... I'm so stupid! Oh hell, I'm so stupid, why was I so stupid? LOL But that probably wouldnt' be as entertaining to read... :)


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