Saturday, May 12, 2012

Bathroom Monologue: Lovably Bland, No More

“You were perfect: bland to the point of absolute trustworthiness. Innocuous. Anodyne. Perpetually informed, and informing without opining. You were the tap water of nightly news. Where other people had flavor that carried chemicals and calories, you were crystal clear, something you could drink, cook with, even wash your hands with.

“Now they’re washing their hands of you.

“You just had to take a stand? How many wars did we stay neutral on? How many scandals? Our office got bomb threats and you never editorialized. We were doing so well. I mean, minus the bomb threats.

“So well until you spoke up on an issue. Not even an important one! You didn’t change any minds, except the advertisers, four of which have already left, and others are following them to the door.

“You can’t take it back; no one’s going to trust that you aren’t a person anymore. We’ve got to spin this issues-liberal, or maybe spin it centrist-conservative, because if you don’t pander, no audience is coming in to fill this gap. You’ve got the afternoon to pick some passions. Tonight you’re either turning into a pundit or a pumpkin. Glass slipper’s off the foot.”


  1. Gasp! Oh know,.......not my glass slipper.......nevah!

    I really need to visit you more often. You make me laugh and I love you for it. :-)

  2. It may be just my cynical self but I never believe the flavourless grey cardigan brigade. Though I don't hiss at them either as I do at the holders of certain opinions. Damned if they do...

  3. How sad is it that I've heard stuff like this for realz (Did I just type realz? What is wrong with me?) I'd laugh if you didn't hit so close to the mark.

  4. Yeah, bland people are often popular as we can project on them more easily.


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