Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Bathroom Monologue: The New Hot Girl is Evil

So the new hot girl is evil, right?

People are looking at me like I’ve been rude. So she’s not evil? Because she’s hot and likes you. Really, who falls in love at first sight?

Listen, I’m not stereotyping women. There are abundant attractive women in this city who are not evil. I’m stereotyping you. Because she’s hot, and sounds connected, you’re…


Come on, don’t make it like this. You’ve got a great personality. And the numbers. You’re good with numbers. You’re… somewhat good with numbers and after I escape and reclaim the throne, I will totally score you a job at the treasury. And after that, attractive women actually be interested in you for a legitimate reason: your money.

But she’s an assassin. Look at the tiny calves. The coquettish reflexes. Do I have to draw you a diagram? She’s a fucking ninja. She’s using you to get to my jugular.

You do not get to be hurt by this! This is the game. I gave up a lot to escape, and they have a bunch of ways to kill me. I’m the lost prince, twice exiled, bound for glory. And I look it. If she wants to bang either of us, it’s me. But she doesn’t want to bang me. She wants to poison my toothpaste and make it look like an aneurism. You think she’s honest, call her in a week when I’m a safe distance away from the city. Like she’ll talk to you then.

Don’t look that way. No, come on, that is the Romeo-and-Juliet look, the fucking I’m-going-to-love-her-no-matter-what bullshit, you cut that out! I swear to God, if you storm off to her, she’ll turn it into a hissy fit, and you’ll cry, and she’ll pretend to be strong, and she’ll wind up with your room key, and I’ll wind up face-down in a toilet. Because of you.

Give me the room key. Give me the room key. Give—give it! No, I don’t trust you with hot assassin girl. I have a kingdom to think of. A kingdom full of hotties. I’ll send you some, just don’t--

Great, the guards found us. I’m sure you don’t think this is your fault either.


  1. Paranoia + narcissism = no nookie for anybody.

  2. Poor guy. I like men who are good with numbers.

  3. I would like to be a hot assasin when I grow up.


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