Bathroom Monologue: Ways to Torture Your Girlfriend, Or, When is Valentine's Day?

-Hide her keys and when she asks, tell her the last time you saw them the dog was carrying them in her mouth.
-Listen to the kind of music you like in unusual places, like your apartment or your car.
-Drive at a speed with which you're comfortable, even if she happens to be in the vehicle.
-Hang out with your friends until you're tired of them, rather than when you *have* to go.
-Only exercise when you want to. Eat what you like. Get into a shape that makes you comfortable, even if it's unattractive.
-Take her to the sports store and try on jerseys for two hours while she holds your beer.
-Take her out on a romantic dinner and ask for separate checks at the end.
-Stop trying after you squirt.
-Enjoy yourself. At anything. It doesn't matter.