Thursday, May 29, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Bathroom Monologues Brought to you by: Cherry Coca Cola, Dell & John’s Insecurities

TV commercials, radio commercials, commercials before movies, posters on walls, billboards on highways, logos on t-shirts, telemarketing, junk mail, spam e-mail, pop-up ads on the net, catchy slogans entering common speech, advertising kept getting more invasive until Lowe's Home Improvement paid to have a 36 square foot advertisement on at least one wall in every new house. Stuck to each billboard-wall was a 25% off coupon for one can of paint, with which you could cover up to eyesore.

Sadly, it worked. Lowe's Company Inc. stock (LOW) went up 11% the first quarter alone.

Microsoft and Sony started broadcasting subliminal advertisements at low brain frequencies to influence the dreams of tomorrow’s gamers. Medical technology companies paid surgeons to place a small radioactive tattoo on the major organs of their patients, so that they’d be reminded what brand of device had saved them during every x-ray for the rest of their lives.

Things got so bad that Budweiser, used to throwing their logo onto loud, confusing, violent events, sponsored the apocalypse. It was blasphemous and cloyingly advertised. But the worst thing (aside from the planetary genocide) is that people went out and bought Budweiser, in bulk, hoping to appease the ad execs in the sky and save themselves from the catastrophe, or at least get into Heaven. Boy, were they red-faced when it turned out the afterlife wasn’t determined by how much you drank, but how much you recycled.

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