Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: Oh, Baby, OR, Heard a country song

Now they said not to throw it away with the bathwater, but Roseanne couldn't help noticing, as the baths went by, that there was little bathwater that didn’t require disposal out of smelling distance from the house that wasn't baby-related.

Its favorite time of day was 3:20 AM, which it christened with a song of shrieks. Its favorite games included getting its head stuck in the bars of its crib, pulling valuable things off of shelves and watching them fall to the ground, and looking innocent when strangers were in earshot. Friends said it was just hungry, but its bizarre insistence on testing its father’s tit lost its humor quickly.

To be fair, they built it a little house in a fenced in area, every bit as good as the one they'd made for the dog, and then stuck it out there to learn manners. Roseanne was progressive and declared that when the baby learned to wee on the newspaper, it wouldn't have to eat out of a bowl anymore.

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