Bathroom Monologue: Unknowable Threat

Mittens, Schrodinger's Assassin Cat. No one knows if he's in the box or not. No one knows if he's behind you right now. No one knows whose Swiss bank account the bounty will go to. No one knows why he has a fetish for the socks you lose in the drier, and should anyone discover it, countless possible universes will perish.