Friday, November 27, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: His Name is Victor

Listen to the audio version or download the MP3 of "His Name is Victor" here.

No one suspected anything of Victor. That was part of the witch’s curse: he couldn’t even say what he was. His powers were gone and he was forced to take a lowly position. He came every day precisely at the minute of his shift, took off his cloak and put on the blue smock and nametag. How it mocked him with its exclamation points.


To this store he was just another checkout counter jerk. Just another man sweeping up refuse and waiting for “break time.”

“Break time.” Once break time had meant breaking the laws of nature! It had meant subverting minds and conjuring demons from beyond. It had meant breaking time itself, in his bare and unholy hands.

Now "break time" meant eating store-brand granola and watching funny Youtube videos on the manager’s computer. Some were admittedly clever, even to his venerable wit. When his sorcery returned and he unleashed the hounds of inferno upon the earth, he would make certain those content providers were spared.

He would not bend. He wore the cloak and ankh, no matter how unfashionable his neighbors thought it was. That was the embarrassment. But that witch would pay, for the Pharmacy section had an amazing array of chemicals. Belladonna in stomach medicine, wolfsbane in pain relievers – he’d never admit it, but there was a thrill to stirring Tylenol into his cauldron's brew. It was so wrong. And soon that woman who had wronged him would be brought to justice, because of his unending vengeance, and because of every day low prices.


  1. the wit oozing from every line in this piece is amazing.

    (do they watch videos/pics of 'people at walmart' while on break?)

    Welcome back.

  2. Oh how I love your read on this one. Mocking smocks..Brrreaktime. wonderful. venerable and witty. spare them!

  3. OMG -- this is hilarious! I laughed reading it, but then I laughed harder listening to it! Great stuff!

  4. The horrors that he is enduring! Great wit and style.

  5. Peggy is right - your writing oozes with wit.

    I love magician and magical stories and wish I could write them.

    This story speaks to the part in all of us that believes we are special, that there is something more to life than... than what Victor has.

    Maybe writers are magicians too?

    The way you play with "break time" is genius.

  6. Here you are...recuperating...and writing such a wonderfully amusing story!

  7. Now I'll be scared to death every time I go to the store John, or more scared than I already was I should say. :)
    Great wit here!

  8. I'm glad some people got a kick out of this. It was one of the more entertaining ones to record. As David said, I did write it out of that place that desires to be a lot more than what we are. Poor Victor.

    I'm afraid I don't know what "people at walmart" is. I guess I'll look it up on my next break.

  9. This story is hilarious. I wouldn't change anything.

  10. it makes me want to shout the word "Crumbs!"very loudly,

    Great stuff as always

  11. "How it mocked him with its exclamation points." hilarious - unnecessary exclamation marks really get me as well.
    I had gerat fun reading this.
    Get well soon!


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