Monday, December 14, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: What would you do if a man advanced on you with a sword?

What would you do if a man advanced on you with a sword? A rapier with a bronze basket hilt. The man is a little scruffy and is wearing an embossed doubler, but what he looks like doesn’t really matter. The sword does. It will get to you four feet sooner than he will.

It’s a narrow hallway. One door far behind you, and one door to your right. Both are closed.

Do you try to dart through the nearer door?

What if it’s locked? You’ll look like quite the fool.

But if you fall back, you will only prolong the chase. He can run as quickly as you, so the rapier will meet you in the same time anyway. And what if you make it through the door at the end of the hall? You’re on the fifth floor. He’ll chase you about the room for a moment and cut you down, or you can jump to your death and your mother will have to clean you off the pavement. At least if you perish here the janitor will have to deal with your remains.

I guess you could charge him. The rapier is up, pointed at your chest. If you avoid the tip, he won’t have room to swing and we’ll be inside punching range. Perhaps you can tackle him through the door that’s behind him. That door wasn’t even an option before.

He’s taller than you, but you’re broader. You’re more massive. Your tackle should mean more. It’s a cliché to jump the armed man, but wouldn’t it be better to live a cliché than to be cleaned up by your mother?


  1. I feel a strong need to comment on this post, but I'm struggling to find anything meaningful to say.

    Perhaps that says more than I thought it did....

  2. Bernard - that is exactly how I felt. I've been pondering this for the last five hours.

    This is one wicked mindF of a blog post. ;)

  3. Bernard, I just hope that urge is a vaguely positive one. It feels like it, and thank both you and Anton. This is was one of the weirder Bathroom Monologues of the year, as I kept saying parts of it to myself. It's like it wouldn't go away if I didn't write it down.

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  5. Aww. My little blog is getting spammed with holiday ads for the first time!


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