Monday, March 29, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: Do you have kids?

Despite what I write, people often ask, “Do you have kids?”

And I reply, “Let me check the refrigerator.”

And they say, “That’s not funny.”

And I say, “Well I don’t stock up until Thursdays. If I’d known you wanted them so bad I would have gone shopping over the weekend.”

They get indignant. “Horrible things are done to children every day.”

I get indignant. “Not enough horrible things, or else the brats would know to stay off my lawn.”

They say, “John, you don’t own a lawn.”

And I’ll say, “How’d you get in here? Did the children send you?”

They ask what I’m talking about.

“Don’t lie to me. I can smell the lollipops on you.”

They back away, but never quickly enough. And it’s my house. I know the terrain.

That’s why I don’t have to stock up on children until Thursdays. Child-sympathizers taste just as good given another half hour in the pressure cooker.


  1. Yes, sympathizers can be a little tough. Here's a tip: add a dash of tobasco to the pot to get rid of the blandness.

  2. They keep longer in the freezer. I like Laurita's seasoning tip. John, I think you have the heart of a horror writer.

  3. Don't you have a problem with leftovers though?

  4. Oh Alan, I've got a few of them in the tupperware. Just a moment.

    (Glad people are playing along! This kind of humor has gotten me into trouble lately.)

  5. It all tastes like chicken anyway, doesn't it?

  6. I've got a couple you can add to the pot. They're a little on the skinny side but I have been trying to fatten them up.

  7. As someone who was a student just recently, I prefer just to get take away -- cooking and storing is far too much effort.

  8. I'm going to make you a shirt that says, I am the troll under the bridge, to warn off wayward children.


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