Bathroom Monologue: Retropocalypse

The world actually ended a couple of days ago. You didn’t hear about it for the same reason you don’t hear about anything important: a massive media conspiracy. Ever since they pulled off their moon-landing scheme they’ve used subliminal messages to lull viewers into complacency, unconsciously convincing them of crazy stuff like baseball being interesting and the practical joke they call “Wyoming.” Subliminal messages were everywhere, even in cute Youtube videos about cats. They were in every 3D movie, HD broadcast, an extra on every BluRay – the commands that all was normal, to keep seeing what you had seen, to vote in American Idol, and so-on. There were several 99-cent iPhone apps the only purpose of which was to flash subliminal commands to you, and people downloaded them without thinking, you know, because they were only 99 cents. The conspiracy had to pour it on to convince you the world wasn’t ending. An angel with fiery wings riding a comet out of orbit slammed in the Pacific Ocean, creating a tidal wave and atmospheric dispersal that blocked out the sun. Those media bastards were smart, though, with sixty years of subliminal experience. They pounded our brains from so many angles for so long that even though we died two days ago, we don’t know it yet. I keep checking my e-mail even though rationally I know I’m dead and my computer is underwater. I think the media did it to keep us docile and paying right until the end, because all they care about is profit, you know? Wanted to make their bottom line even in the last days. Now we have to deal with the delusion, even if most people I tell go to a disaster movie to get it off their minds.