Monday, April 5, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: From Below, with Love

Hey honey. If you get this, I drowned. Or, I guess I could make it out of here, and then somebody’ll find the wreckage and return the tape recorder to us. In which case, way to go, future me. I really thought I was going to die in here.

If there is no future me, then I drowned. I’m stuck in the cargo hold. Not sure why. The whole place lurched and the door wrenched shut. Can’t budge it, and now water is flooding in. I assume we’re going down. Because of that, I have some things I want to tell you.

Firstly, the waterproof socks you bought me are amazing. Like, they really work. I’m only in a couple inches of water right now, but I am bone dry. I’m going to tie the tape recorder in one so it will survive for you. That’s the only way you could listen to this, so why bother with hypotheticals other than these are really damned good waterproof socks?

Um. Other things. Let’s see.

Clearly you insisting I take this job was a bad idea. I told you I’d rather just collect unemployment for a while and watch basketball. I’m not blaming you, though. I’m just drowning.

Because I’ve drowned by when you listen to this, please remember to water plants every three days with the green dispenser. It gives the water essential nutrients and its filter is good for another six months. Ask Ted where to buy new filters.

Say hey to Ted for me, too.

God, what else?

Don’t let the kids watch the end of Old Yeller. They’ll cry.

Don’t tell them Santa is dead until they’re at least eight.

You have my full blessing to exploit any death benefits in the tax code. I have no idea about that stuff. Maybe a lawyer can help.

Do not sleep with any lawyers, at least until the kids are eight.

I… I don’t know. I’m really not ready for this, and now my ankles are wet. Dammit. I wish there was a do-over. Ah, Hell with it. Love you honey. Got to go.


  1. "Say hey to Ted for me, too."

    This really tickled my funny bone this morning. Which is much different from hitting your funny bone, which I did earlier. Yours was better.

  2. I agree with Laurita, certainly a lot more entertaining that accidental nerve pain.

    I really like the new look for the site (apologies if it's been like this for a while, I've been lax on my blog visiting recently, glad I came back in time to read this though. Good job.)

  3. Gee, I thought that was really sad.
    Heartbreaking, really.
    Laurita and Barry, how can you two be so cold? Poor father/husband drowning in his waterproof socks and you guys worried about sore bones and nerve pain.
    It was a two hankie read for me, John.
    As for Laurita and Barry - behave, you ruffians.

  4. Thanks to all three of you. I was going for the fine line between comedy and tragedy with this one, and I'm glad they both worked, even if it was for different people!


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