Saturday, September 4, 2010

R.A.Q. 2010 Edition

There are many FAQs across the internet. But what about Rarely Asked Questions? Who is going to answer them? I am.

Michelle Ann-Flemming asked: "Who would win in a fight: Batman or Monkey?"
---If the Americans were writing, Batman. If the Chinese were writing, Monkey. If, as I currently suspect, a consortium of India and Brazil usurps the world economy from underneath both of us, they’ll be lucky to show up on the undercard, let alone have a headlining fight.

Erin Cole asked: "We the people or politicians?"
---Politicians. I've been a person my whole life and would enjoy the change.

Anthony Venutolo asked: "What's more important: Divine Providence or Manifest Destiny?"
---Destiny always manifests, but when the divine provides, the author of that manifest shows up. That’s when I get out the good silverware.

Linda Wastilla asked: "I am very curious -- do you really write in your bathroom? and if so, where exactly?"
---I compose most of what you read on this site in the bathroom. These answers I’m writing at my computer because otherwise I couldn’t read what you’re saying. If you want I’ll go sit in the bathtub now, imagine a question from you and answer that instead. I’m serious. It’s my birthday. I have the time and who’s going to stop me?

Anonymous asked: "If you were in charge of an alien economy that had no knowledge of, understanding of, or expectations for Earth, what would the price be for a one pound block of Vermont cheddar?"
---If we have no knowledge, understanding or interactions with earth, then Vermont cheddar must not be on the galactic market. Therefore I assume you're asking how much the cheddar would be on earth, outside my jurisdiction. A good pound of sharp cheddar should run you twelve earth dollars.

Cassie Nichols asked: "Of the stories and worlds you've written about, is there one in particular you'd like to visit? Is there one where you'd like to live?"
---Old Teioh. The subject of at least two stories so far (arguably more – I’ll leave it up to readers to do the arguing, if they’re ever of such a desire), it’s my favorite setting. It’s empty of people, can provide food, shelter, sun and peace. I’d only be nervous that, if I showed up there, someone else was writing the story and intended it to reject me in some horrible way. But then, you said the worlds I’ve written about, so I’m saying I get to write my stay there. In that case, really, any place is equally as good as the next since I’ll edit the heck out of it until it’s air conditioned and has good barbecue.

Cassie Nichols also asked: “Who would win in a fight, Vineguard or Lo?”
---Ninx won’t let Vineguard kill anyone, and Lo is restrained by the Cacoas Bonds, and neither of them is terribly accurate at throwing pies. Also, no one knows what we’re talking about.

Rachel Welton asked: “Would you like to write one of your Norse Pantheon stories for publication in a pagan magazine?”
---I haven’t written many stories about or emerging from the Norse Pantheon. Usually it’s just Odin hanging out with his inter-faith poker group. But sure, the P.P.G. is pagan-friendly. Have one in mind?

Cathy Oliffe asked: “What’s your love life like?”
---I have had a very pleasant off-and-on relationship with an imaginary girl since eighth grade. She's leggy (odd, since I'm not a leg man), a splendid cook and has a knack for getting through my BS without even trying. I’ve tried to convince her she’s too good for me, but she doesn’t listen.

Cathy Oliffe also asked: “why is there a little handicapped symbol beside the word verification box on everyone's blog comment page?”
---Because the internet is handicap accessible. Don’t be insensitive.

Deanna Schrayer asked: "What is the color of barnacles?"
---Most barnacles I've ever seen were white with black on the interior. Those, my nautical friends said were quite nutritious if you were starving. But they can also come in mossy green, black or yellow varieties.

Danielle La Paglia asked: "Wonder Woman or Cat Woman?"

---Whoever's free, honestly.

Marisa Birns asked: "Do you make fun of us behind our backs?"
---No. I've never been behind your back.

Ian in Japan asked: “Which of these questions took the longest to answer?”
---Rachel Welton’s, because I had to go through my archives looking for stories about Norse deities. It will take substantially longer if I write a story about Odin, Raven and the rest of the poker group vacationing in Iceland.


  1. Happy Birthday John! And very funny answers to the questions we posed.

    Have a damn awesome day! Peace...

  2. Happy birthday, sir! I hope it is a lovely one.

  3. Awww, I go away and miss the questions. Boo! I'm glad I didn't miss the answers, or your birthday. Have a great one, John!

  4. Happy Birthday John. Damn. Sad I was offline and didn't see you offering your RAQ up til today.

    [you could send me a snapshot]

    Oddly enough..[insert twilight zone music here...] just as I got to Cathy's question:
    “What’s your love life like?”

    "Victim of Love" from the Hotel California cd came on ...
    that first line..."What kind of love have you got..."

    Your answer was a fun and funny counterpoint to the song. Kinda like playing Dark side of the moon while watching the Wizard of Oz....

    Many happy returns of the day, sir.

  5. Hope there's plenty of cake. In the kitchen, not the bathroom.

    Happy birthday!

  6. Happy Birthday, and I'm with you on the politicians comment.

  7. Happy Birthday, John. And Very funny mister.

  8. Happy belated birthday John! We didn't get home last night until nearly 11 and I hit the bed immediately, so that's why I'm so late. I do hope you had a wonderful day, and thanks so much for your brilliant answers!


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