Friday, November 19, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: The Vampire Plan, OR, What John Thought When He Heard About Vampires Taking Over the World

Quincy slept the entire way. He let Biggs take him wherever he was going. After the biters ripped apart his entire office staff, he was done. His lunch buddies, the fantasy football pool, Gina... There were many ways he'd dreamed of seeing Gina Hernandez from Accounting's sweater come off, and they'd found the one that would give him nightmares. So he was done. Not dead, not suicidal, but ready to close his eyes and let someone else drive a while.

Biggs poked him in-between the ribs, making Quincy contort in the passenger’s seat.

“Quit it.”

“Eh? Eh?" Biggs said. "Am I genius?”

Quincy exhaled slowly and opened his eyes. The light was harsh beyond his window. It took his vision a moment to create contours. A sea of still waves, minus the water. Dunes.

“It sure looks like sand.”


“I think you’re expecting me to like sand more than I do. I’d rather, like, an aircraft carrier.”

“Vampires aren’t going to be afraid of stealth bombers, dumbass. They can turn into fog. You can't bomb fog.”

Quincy rubbed his eyes. “And fog is afraid of sand, why?”

“Look.” Biggs pointed to the back of the SUV. Just like when Quincy had gone to sleep, it was stuffed with cardboard boxes. “Three hundred litres of water. We each get one a day. Doctors say you need more, but doctors say you need riboflavin and we’ve both done fine never paying attention to how much of it we got.”

“Peerless reasoning.”

“Plus a couple hundred army MRE’s, plus enough butane to cook all the baked beans you ever wanted, plus these.”

He leaned his jowls into the steering wheel and fished around under his seat. He produced two foil packs, each stamped with three lines: one pink, one brown, one white.

“Astronaut ice cream. Fucking ten cases.”

“You know they don’t really eat that.”

“Probably why I got them so cheap.” He tore the top of the package and bit into the chalky vanilla part. He winced, as it didn’t taste as much like space or candy as he’d wanted. Still, he maintained a chipper expression. “This will rule.”

“Eating baked beans in a car with you will definitely not rule after a few hours.”

Biggs slapped the rest of his astronaut ice cream into Quincy’s chest. It crumbled colorfully across his grey t-shirt. Biggs pointed out the passenger’s side window.

“We are two hundred miles into the dessert, dude. Off road.”

“Dude. Why is that good? It’s the end of the world and your idea is just fucking sand.”

“Because even if they knew exactly where we were, they’d have to flap their little bat wings two hundred miles without two leaves to hide under come morning. There’s no shade. It’s fucking vampire-proof.”

Quincy took this in. He rested his elbows on the dashboard, staring at the yellowed sand dunes.

“Holy shit.”

Biggs percolated in his seat. “Yeah?”

“When this is over, the Arabs are totally taking over the world.”

“And that’s why I brought you. Interesting conversation. Have an ice cream.”


  1. I loved this scene! The ending made me laugh out loud. Hope you have plans for this: about another 80,000 more words.

  2. I knew something was wrong with the plan... can't wait to see their expressions when night falls and the vampires dig themselves out of their sand graves where they hid during the day...

  3. Haha, I love the dialogue. They may be well-provisioned, but the scenery won't be much to look at. :)

  4. Elaine's right – this one has novel potential. I'd sure as heck read it!

  5. I'm with Elaine and Cathy - this would be fun to see turn something longer! Great scene!

  6. I like these two. I'd like to read more of this too!

  7. You made me snort at the end. Not used to seeing a funny vampire story. I like this :)

  8. I always thought the desert would be the worst place for vampires LOL but what happens when the water runs out?

  9. Elaine, Harry, Cathy, Jax - the pokes for a longer story are heartening. A novel about two guys waiting out the vampire apocalypse in the desert? We'll see what I can do...

    Diandra, tunneling vampires? Weirder things have happened, I guess...

    Steve, no, I sure hope they brought iPads, and that the vampires don't eat the internet.

    Seleste, happy to provide the snort. Thanks for stopping by!

  10. *snort* funniest thing I've read in a good while, John. Over the top silliness in a sort of realistic setting. Humor as dry as the sand around them. Well done sir.

  11. Haha! Your vampire stories are 100 original. Beans, astronaut icecream, hiding out from vampire apolypse with your bud in the desert. The humor & feel has a zombieland feel to it. The scenerios and convo topics are endless. I'd actually like to see this as a movie.

    John Wiswell one day the whole world will love your fiction as much as we monologue fans do.

    ps. Don't forget about secret underground tunnels. They've got them from here to china. And don't go saying that vamps are actually claustrophobic ... ;-)

  12. TS, I missed that part. The hope would be that once you exhausted your supplies, vampires would have exhausted humanity and died of starvation. Elegant in its... absent simplicity.

    Mike, appreciate all your kind words, and cheerful to make you snort.

    Jodi, I do get wacky sometimes. Very happy to make people laugh with these oddball thoughts. If the whole world liked them? I'd be ever so relieved.

    And thanks, Paul!

  13. I hope they have enough fuel to get them out of there when it becomes necessary & the SVU doesn't become an oven. Cooking themselves to death in a tin can of a vehicle wouldn't make them very heroic. :)

    As witty as always, John.

  14. I hope they have enough fuel to get them out of there when it becomes necessary & the SVU doesn't become an oven. Cooking themselves to death in a tin can of a vehicle wouldn't make them very heroic. :)

    As witty as always, John.

  15. Fantastically absurd as usual, John. (smiley face)

  16. Good work, John! I agree with others that it could be a longer piece. It definitely has potential, and I like the dialogue too.

  17. Good one! There are so many holes in this plan, but that's what makes it funny. They'll probably die if they stay out there, but at least not by vampires.

  18. So much fun! I love the idea that someone would be prepared and that this would be their plan.

  19. Astronaut ice cream does suck pretty hard, actually.

  20. Unless the vampires can bury themselves wherever they want, like in Anne Rice's books. Solid reasoning otherwise, though I'm sure there's some other flaw they haven't foreseen. I love the dialogue too!

  21. You can't much argue with Biggs' logic. Excellent piece.

  22. Vandamir, the oven problem is something they'd run into shortly. Hopefully Biggs packed a sheet and makes a tent.

    Danni, smiley face. Enjoy your vacation!

    John, glad you liked their dialogue. That was the reason for the piece.

    Eric, holes? Are you suggesting their tires have been punctured?

    Icy, he got to use a lot of the same materials from his Zombie and Mummy plans. I am also seriously considering a mummy flash.

    Tony, it is decisively underwhelming stuff.

    Ganymeder, you can take it on faith that Biggs has not read much Anne Rice.

    Stephen, thanks for stopping by! I'll save you a seat on his SUV.

  23. I'm not sure how I could love this more. Spot-on dialogue.

  24. Great scene. I hope Daindra is wrong... :)

  25. Lately, I've been taking long hard looks at the beginnings of stories and scenes and this beginning is great. It wastes nothing and spends just enough time setting it all up. Bravo, John.

  26. Fantastic comic timing. Well thought out absurdity.
    Adam B @revhappiness

  27. This is good. Do more.I like these viewpoints on vamps.

  28. Michelle R. and Rev/Adam, ha, lovely praise. Glad to make you laugh with their banter.

    Cathryn, would you feel better if I promise they survive at least until Monday?

    Katen, I jumped into the composition on this one. I was tempted to draw it out, but wanted to get to the main course of humorous dialogue. Crash openings are hard and throw a lot of readers off. I'm glad you approve of this one.

    Carrie, there is at least one more of these humorous takes on the way. Hope to have an update soon.

  29. Hilarous. I liked the premise and their scheme to get out into the desert. Unfortunately for them, I fear that it won't be as easy as they expect.

  30. I'm a little confused about the fog and sand bit. Hopefully that will be more clear as the story continues. I like the characters and how they play off each other. their dialogue was very convincing and believable. I have a feeling their trip to the desert is not going to go as planned, which of course, makes for a great story.

  31. Dig this a lot, John. Your comic style only enhances the premise...


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