Thursday, December 16, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: Steel of Man, OR, Points if you can guess who this speaker is

“Superman is not out of touch with this country. This country is out of touch with him. At what point in the U.S. did truth, justice and the American way become distasteful? What deluded do-nothing piss-ants could look up in the sky, see him catch a plane and crack sarcastic over it?

“What is this, Lois? “No one can relate to an invincible idealist.” Were you drunk? Who relates to George Washington for his flaws? Did people rally behind Simon Bolivar because he had a drinking problem? And before you pretend they were different, remember the most popular religion in the world is founded on a moralist so powerful he was conflated with God. We live in a sycophantic celebrity culture – the people who are above your reach are who you follow on Twitter and gossip rags. So don’t tell me that a guy who stopped the fifth plane from flying into the Sears Tower with his bare hands is uninteresting.

“I can understand that coming from cynics like The Slate, but not this paper. How dare you ask whether he makes us weak. He rescues children from burning buildings and astronauts from launch explosions.

““Does the hand from the sky hold down more than it lifts up?” Garbage. We have thousands of years of human history where we didn’t fix our own mistakes. Bridges go unmaintained until they collapse. Submarines sink. We were failing long before someone was flying at the speed of sound to save us. Are you pissed he gives your articles a happy ending every so often?

“As far as I’ve seen from the fiftieth floor of this building, this man gives up a personal life in order to be there to help us. This paper will not libel him. I don’t care if print is dying – I will let it fold and fall to the ground with my head held high before I attack the last worthwhile citizen of this country. You will scrap this editorial and write something worthy of him. Get people back on his side.”

11 comments:

  1. It's been awhile since I kept up with Superman. Has Supe's superior status slipped? Has the culture that hangs on Snookie & The Sitch's every drunken move left the man of steel behind? I know somewhere way back, he died. Was he reborn? That can turn folks off. Nevermind, I'm sure it's a lengthy explanation. My guess for the speaker would be Perry White. But like I said, it's been awhile. Maybe Jimmy Olsen's in charge now.

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  2. Perry White, definitely.

    Great Caesar's ghost!

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  3. Oh, and all of this is from that Pulitzer prize winning story Lois wrote in "Superman Returns", right?

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  4. I don't know who the speaker is because I haven't read enough Superman, but this monologue gives me a compelling reason to go read more. So well done, John. Fantastic rebuttal.

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  5. Let's see ... Lex Luthor after he's taken over all the major media outlets in the world?

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  6. Harry and Tony got it immediately. I guess it's an easy one if you know the fictional world. Though I didn't have the Superman Returns editorial in mind, just a lot of people in the last couple years have said they dislike the character for being too much of a boyscout or that they can't sympathize with him. It's very petty and annoying to me.

    Yay for Great Caesar's Ghost references.

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  7. I think its just envy. I'm glad they stuck up for the man of steel!

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  8. It really is a sad commentary on America that the cast of Jersey Shore and other pseudo-celebrities are worshiped the way they are. I'm sure they'd be held in much higher esteem than Superman if we were truly graced with his presence.

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  9. I agree with Eric. I think the country and especially our youth need a REAL superhero. We've become a nation of gawkers looking for the fly in the ointment and if there isn't one there we throw one in for fun. Great story and I think timely.

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  10. Cheers to Harry & Tony. Freakin' awesome, John.

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  11. God, this rocks so incredibly hard. I wouldn't have made it through middle school without Superman.

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