Friday, February 25, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: What You Need

I’ve done everything. I listened to you bitch for thirteen straight hours. I missed work to stay up with you. I bought your greasy comfort food, and I threw it out and cooked chicken breast when you started bitching at the mirror about your waistline. I talked you out of calling him, then I told you it was a good idea after you did it anyway. I paid for the liquor, and I held your hair while you tossed cookies. I cleaned the bathroom and made you six different hangover remedies. What did you do when you sobered up? You started crying at photo albums again. So I’m doing this. This is what you need.

You take this end here and stick it on your chest. Right over the chest. Grip it firmly. Now when you squeeze, it latches on and zaps you with subzero molecules. It would flash-freeze a polar bear’s balls. All your ventricles and tissues, just like that. Simultaneously these clamps will extend in and grab the whole mess, so before your blood stops pumping you can pull it out, have a look and dash it on the floor. You can watch it shatter on the linoleum and finally get what you want so bad: you can die of a fricking broken heart.

Excuse me if I don’t watch. I’ve got to go pay the landlord.

33 comments:

  1. Ooh, John, I know that feeling. What's a friend to do? I always wondered why I didn't die when my heart was broken. Maybe it was just bruised. You've got a lot going on in that mind. Keep sharing.

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  2. "finally get what you want so bad: you can die of a fricking broken heart"

    Some folks are only happy when they're miserable. Your contraption may be the best solution.

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  3. "Held your hair while you tossed cookies"

    With such details, empathy is born. So recognisable, so cathartic.

    Punchy, to the point and graphic. Excellent.

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  4. What Harry said. I can feel the narrator's frustration and despair, well done.

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  5. Put me down for 2 such contraptions John.

    Where our emotive, hyperbolic language needs to get over itself, what an ace idea.

    marc nash

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  6. Oh my, I LOVE the angry Wiswell! Your words were just dripping pissedoffedness in this one. And how many times have I felt just like him!

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  7. I was waiting for the "just friends" comment, but I guess it was between the lines the whole time.
    Strong, concise writing.

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  8. A guide to living with a wallower. Tough Love, the Wiswell way!

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  9. Wow. I'm not used to your voice being that angry. Well done.

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  10. Funny, I got to feeling this way about a friend but fought through it, then when I was in stage one that same friend bailed on me. Reading this was rather therapeutic. Well done.

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  11. I've wanted to tell off a 'friend' that way sometimes too, but... well, you know, not quite so gruesome.

    Entertaining, as always!

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  12. Good one! Many, many people would love to offer up this solution to their "broken-hearted" friends, I'm sure.

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  13. I'm with you on this one John. I can comfort, but some people refuse to be helped. Great job, this week. solidarityface

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  14. There comes a point when even the most supportive friend has had enough. Great fantasy, John.

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  15. I loved this!!! Such a vivid piece, and yes, I know the feeling too...

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  16. Damn. Loved it. Something we've had to say, or wanted to say but were too cowardly, to those torch holders we call friends.
    Well done.

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  17. I love this! Sometimes you really just want to say something like this. I do have ask what "tossing cookies" means.

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  18. John, a brutal take on being super-supportive.

    Does holding her hair whilst she is tossing cookies mean - while she is upchucking?

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  19. Thank you all for the kind, supportive words about this flash. I hope continued reading does not cause you to tear my frozen heart out.

    For international readers: "tossing cookies" is a colloquialism for vomiting. Steve nailed it.

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  20. Tossing cookies was a new one for me. I do like the visual that came with it. Hmm chunky.

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  21. Best friend ever. Great work today -- I hope this one becomes an audio piece, I can hear you in my head already!

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  22. I have so been on both sides of this one.. i love the last lines.

    "excuse me if i don't watch. I have to go pay the landlord" genius!

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  23. The vengence and anger felt by the character is very well protrayed.

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  24. That's some frustration burning through. And it's why I write out what I'm feeling instead of dumping it on my friends. There's times I just wish I could die, but people can only take so much angst. Nice work.

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  25. I've felt this way, and all too recently. Thanks for venting that for me.

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  26. I love the approach. Not only dying of a broken heart, but getting to observe and experience it.

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  27. Tough love there, John. This one made me laugh. There've been so many times I've wanted to say what you just wrote, so cheers to you.

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  28. Excellent solution. I'm the person people in turmoil turn to much too often (though, thankfully, seldom with heartbreak anymore). Can the same device be used for brains? :)

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  29. Mass market that sucker 'cause it's a surefire winner.
    Adam B @revhappiness

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  30. Back in the day, we often used the term 'woofed your cookies'.

    I loved your narrator's voice. If she behaved like that, he deserved every syllable of the rant. Nicely told, sir.

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  31. I wish I'd had this for all the people I've known like this in the past. I don't tolerate folks like that in my life now. It's always the same story and it always goes in the same direction. They're like vampires, except instead of blood, they want to suck out your soul with their neediness. Excellent monologue.

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  32. Wow, finally hit the limits of friendship. The frustration and anger in this is palpable. Well done.
    ~jon

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  33. You try and try with some friends but they just don't get it. Put me down for one of these too.
    On a more prosaic note, one thing i love about fridayflash is the cross-border/cross-cultural learning it induces. Without you John, us Brits would be forever ignorant of the term 'tossing cookies'. I, for one, feel enriched and intend to use it in conversation this week. (Not on Wednesday at my Mum's though).

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