Bathroom Monologue: Add Minister

“Believe it or not, Tadd didn’t even used to go to church. Three years straight without even a Christmas mass. The pedophile scandal, you know.”

“But that’s still going on. Why’d he come back?”

“I think it was his brother passing.”

“His deathbed wish was for Tadd make amends with The Lord?”

“I think his deathbed with was for a glass of water. Kidney problems took him, you know. But he did give Tadd his Bible.”

“So reading it turned him around? Catholics don’t even read the Bible.”

“I guess Tadd was a good Catholic. I never saw him open the thing. He just carried it around in his breast pocket. Only time I ever saw him take it out was to sign his lease against.”

“That’s not very spiritual.”

“I don’t think he was, either. Until he got shot.”

“Tadd Stephenson got shot? I’ve never heard this.”

“It was up in Michigan. He was mugged during a food drive, if you’ll believe it. Shot right in the chest. Right there.”

“And he always kept the Bible there! So it stopped the bullet and saved his life?”

“The bullet went right through. It was a very thin Bible.”

“It’s a miracle he didn’t die.”

“Not much of a miracle. He was in the hospital parking lot when he was shot.”

“Irony is a form of God’s miracles.”

“That’s not how he saw it. See, his friends kept his clothes. He gathered up all the shredded bits of scripture and realized how much was missing. He said all the missing bits had been carried by the bullet into his body, and were now in his bloodstream.”

“…What?”

“There were three months when he called his biceps Kings I and Kings II. Joined the seminary months later.”

“That is the dumbest. That can’t be what happened. If his brother gave him the dialogues of Schopenhauer, would his bloodstream have turned him into a raving atheist?”

“I don’t know how well Schopenhauer circulates. It might have to be taken orally.”