Monday, October 24, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: Clothes Make the Man

His pants split at the crotch. In the middle of a firefight with the Motley Brothers, crouched behind what was a surveillance vehicle, the cotton gives way and ruptures from belt buckle to ass cheeks. In a moment, his tighty-whities are exposed to his superiors.

For the first time in four months he reflects. Those pants cost more than what he made in a year at the old job. You could sell all the ties his father ever wore and not come up with half of what his current one costs. No one in his family can even spell the material his vest is made out of. It saves his life twice before he falls over.

The shoulder-holster strains against his pectorals. Its that too-tight model that had reminded him for four months that he has two man-killers strapped to him at all times. Reaching for the steering wheel. Reaching for his wallet to pay for coffee. Even reaching to take a piss abrades the bicep, reminds the arm and alerts the hand that it has stopping power at its call.

He feels that memory course through his muscles. It's so thick that he has the second gun drawn before he has finished bouncing off the pavement. He rises, sweat evaporating through an imported porous button-down so that he can only smell a hint of himself as he draws a bead on Frank Motley. In a twitch, he will become the funniest story their outfit has ever heard. The man who slew a drug lord with his ass showing into the wind. As the bullet travels, he can only think that the clothes really have made him this man.


  1. Interesting.
    I was mildly distracted by the echoes from the name "Motley Brothers". Made me think of clowns, and of course a man's pants splitting is sort of clownish, but they're drug lords, and he's some bad-ass policeman or something. Sorry, probably just me.

  2. That was entertaining! And pretty damn funny.

  3. A lot of character personality in this one!

  4. The visual I got while reading this was classic. I'm sure his story will be told to new trainees for years to come. :)

  5. Entertaining piece John, I hope the character's name wasn't Jack - or he could be known as the second Jack the ripper ha ha


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