Sunday, October 2, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: On the Obese, OR, Big, Fat Rage

Social responsibility is just a ruse. You were making fun of the fat kid in kindergarten. He was different in a way that wasn’t special, so you mocked him. It wasn’t even him – it was an excuse to hate someone who wasn’t you, and because other children joined in, it was socially reinforced. You were cruel then and you haven’t grown. This whole business of obese people putting extra strain on the healthcare system is rationalization for you being an emotional kindergartener. I’m sure you were well-briefed on the healthcare industry in elementary school and that’s why you were such a dick to Willy, or Robert, or Mandrake. And if he was a fat kid with a name like ‘Willy,’ I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s hanged himself by now. Thanks to humanitarians like you.

Justified by their abuse of doctor’s time and getting sick more often, you berate them, to “change” them. But even if a chubby bastard were to fall on his knees tomorrow and beg you to fix him, would you? No! You’re too busy checking movie times on your iPhone. The extent of your donation to the cause is being heartless.

You think mocking him is going to make him finally buy that gym membership? A chunk of these chunky people are the result of depression eating. A reasonable person doesn’t browbeat alcoholics under the idea that it’ll make them kick the bottle. Smokers get more sympathy than that for willingly sucking on sticks of carcinogenic poison. All the fat guy does is eat more than you. He may do it because he’s got a psychological problem. He may keep weight because of a glandular or digestive problem.

Or he may be rich. There are fat millionaires. Any random fat ass at a buffet may well have donated six figures to a state-of-the-art hospital. He may serve on its board, arranging healthcare resources more efficiently than he’ll ever use them up. He could hire two guys to go build clinics while he pounds Big Macs. Now who is better for the healthcare system: the one who enabled them to have a new MRI machine, or your skinny ass? Which, by the way, is still freakishly ugly.

Yes, the fat guy is ugly, but most thin people are hideous, too. Even supermodels. That’s why they invented Photoshop, so I can masturbate to an ideal that nobody’s trying to live up to. Moles, boils, scars, stretch marks, bad bone structure, bicep flab, chicken legs, post-pubescent acne, hair where you can’t shave – don’t get me started on the list of erection-killing traits you could have hidden under that fashionable tracksuit.

You don’t have some inner beauty the fat guy lacks. He’s got feelings. He’s got family. He’s had heartbreak and loss and one day walked out of a building wondering if he still had a soul. The beauty that culture makes sure we sheathe and hide and wrap in an intellectual condom is in both of you. But seeing either of you naked? That’s like asking if I want second- or third-degree burns. You’re not ethically right, you’re not helping him, and you’re unfuckable despite fitting into those jeans. Shut the fuck up and leave the fat guy to people who care. Give him the decency of ignoring him like you ignore the majority of the human race.


  1. OH MY GOD.
    Standing up and applauding, here. That is brilliant and gut wrenchingly true. What I love most about this, John, is the righteous anger. There's none of the usual self-deprecating apologies for size - it's just feck you - take what you deserve and take no prisoners.
    I love it. Love it, love it, love it.
    Woo HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

  2. Ok. Now I'm getting funny looks from the hotel staff at my outburst of laughter, but this was hilarious.

  3. Bravo! If people started wearing their insides on the outside, there'd be some "beautiful" people suddenly covered with suppurating boils and belching toxic gases. Oh wait - they already do the latter.

  4. A thing of beauty — it could apply equally to so many other things!

    Or as Kurt Vonnegut said, "If you wish to examine a granfalloon / Just peel the skin from a toy balloon."

  5. Wow. Phenomenally well said.

    The saddest thing to me is that it is clear there is no real correlation between obesity and health problems - so long as you don't conflate obesity with lack of exercise. Obese and overweight people who get enough exercise are at least as healthy as "ideal" weighing people who also exercise, and way more healthy than underweight people. Our culture completely ignores the immense health risks associated with being too skinny, giving the lie to the constant talk about obesity being a health issue. The issue is the deviation from the beauty standard. And as you point out, we all deviate, so forget it.

  6. Whoa. I like it! (as long as no one rants on my skinny ass!)

  7. Standing O, Sir. As a former obese child, I totally get this. Peace...

  8. One more waffle mint sir! ^__^

  9. I hear ya, man.

    Righteous indignation.

    And humour.


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