Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Bathroom Monologue: Yesterday was a Holiday

"Yes, yesterday was a holiday for the Red Brigadiers. It was the day marking when the Risen Man inducted his first ministers in the Sunset Cliffs. That's why today is a holiday.

"Today marks when the Risen Man's first ministers embarked and disseminated from the Sunset Cliffs and through the archipelago, to spread his words. We're keen on spreading his news. So yes, yesterday was a holiday, and today is a holiday, and tomorrow the Red Brigadiers may observe another.

"Tomorrow marks the signing of the armistice with the Munenori. You remember that treaty? You bastards broke it five seasons ago - or it will have been five seasons ago, in about eight more days. That'll be a holiday, too, to memorialize those lost in the horrific slaughter. The day after will also be a holiday, commemorating how badly we spanked the Munenori in the Battle of the Flattenings.

"We celebrate that one with copious alcohol, because at dawn the following day begins a three-day fast commemorating the Risen Man's teachings of tolerance - or 'temperance,' if you're orthodox like my mother.

"You've got to have caught on by now: every day is a holiday for us. It's a benefit to having a religion with history. We are blessed with such heritage that any day that needs taking off, or introspection, or particular care, shall be. This way a Red Brigadier is always rested well enough to do good work, and thereby add another holiday and still more tradition to our annals, so that when the known history fades, it may be replaced by what we now do. Like in two days, when the Munenori storm these trenches again? My kids will celebrate how heroically we kicked their teeth in by taking the afternoon off."

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