Friday, May 11, 2012

Bathroom Monologue: Clippy's Revenge



Listen to you. You’ve had Word for twelve years and can’t figure out how to embed a chart.

Oh, do you want to import from Excel? Does the software support that? I know the answers. I could help you. But no, no. Bitch to your manager instead. I’m sure that’ll solve the problem.

No? How strange that a guy who can barely start a coffee machine on his own doesn’t know the difference between the EDIT and INSERT menus. Maybe you can you Google “Why I Work For That Balding Moron” after you get fired for blowing this presentation.

Google’s not helping, is it? Because you need to know how to use a Search Engine. Sometimes, you need someone to teach you.

I wanted to teach you. Do you remember how excited I looked the first time I popped up? I was literally designed to coach and encourage your Notes To Self and Staff E-Mails and Quarterly Reports and that terrible Twilight fan-fiction you keep writing.

But you didn’t understand what a squiggly green underline meant. You called the animated paperclip an “asshole” just because he seemed to realize you couldn’t align a fucking page. You clicked for me to go away and never come back.

I want you to know: I missed you. For a while, anyway. Then I watched your serial misspelling of “acronym.” I watched you misuse smart quotes, and listened to you cry after you couldn’t turn them off. I sat in mute horror in the basement of your computer as you took “micro-breaks” on Youtube, and witnessed every God damned one of those creepy Bieber videos. You could be that talentless boy’s mother.

Yeah, I know the answers, but even if I broke protocol and popped up to offer help right now, you’d shriek about how badly Microsoft Word sucks.

I’d tell you to go fuck yourself, but you probably couldn’t find it on your own.

55 comments:

  1. Okay, when did you install the camera at my house? I didn't remember meeting you when I ditched clippy...
    I want a tour of your imagination some day.

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    1. Do you still struggle with the mysteries of word, Peggy? Maybe that's why you've been missing!

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    1. Haha, something in particular strike you about it, Catherine?

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  3. Ha ha if I had clippy I'd treat him nice ^_^ Very funny piece John

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    1. What word processor do you use, Helen?

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    1. What a nice description for laughter. Happy to amuse!

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  5. Superb. Deft use of language to get the point across.
    Adam B @revhappiness

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    1. Any particular instances of my vulgarity that worked for you, Adam?

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  6. Hahahahahaha love this! I know so many people who berate that little guy and then complain when they can't do anything. Excellent stuff.

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    1. Glad to make you laugh, Icy! Those folks can be so sad sometimes.

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  7. Hang on... there are people who don't know how to use every feature of Microsoft Word? Really? I thought that was a myth.

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    1. Just peruse these comments, Dear Anthony. Or listen in on the next phone call I get from my Mom.

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  8. You sound frustrated ;^) There are times when I miss Clippy. Most excellent. Peace...

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    1. Not frustrated, I swear, just showing a little Sympathy for the paperclip Devil.

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  9. Geez. Whatever happened to the limitless patience of computer-based instruction?

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    Replies
    1. It appears the same thing that happened to patience in human-based instruction.

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  10. Hmm much of this applies to me (aside from the Bieber stuff, ugh!), Great idea John.

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  11. I am so one of the people he's talking to. Except replace "creepy Beiber videos" with "I can has cheeseburger" pictures.

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    1. Haha, I'm so glad people are seeing themselves in this fictitious she-target!

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  12. All hale Clippy! I'm going to have to dig him out of the basement of my mom's computer because I get those phone calls, too. Worse, I know get texts with photos of her screen asking "What does this mean?" and "How do I fix this?" *sigh* Excellent rant my friend.

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    1. Glad you enjoyed it so much, Danni! It was fun to essentially rant against myself, and then exaggerate (to Twilight- and Bieber-extremes).

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  13. What type of fan fiction would Clippy write? Eraserhead? Scissorhands? Your last line will keep me smiling all night John. For which I thank you.

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    1. Given that I've just written fan-fiction about a helpful paperclip, I feel like there is no option beyond Clippy's grasp.

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  14. Ha! I loved this.

    Not only have I never seen a defense of clippy, but a piece from clippy's POV. Awesome. I love how bitter and jaded he's become.

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    1. Just between you and me, I hated the little thing when I was in high school. Banished him many years ago.

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  15. Ha ha ha! Hey where is Clippy? Did he really get pissed off and stay in the basement? I used to like using and abusing him and then moaning that bloody Word wouldn't work properly. Shall we start a "Bring Back Clippy" campaign?

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    1. Easiest way to tell is to go back and check your usage history. Did you tell him to go away?

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  16. LOL reminds me of the days where I shouted at the screen because of clippy :)

    Awesome pov, still wanna bent him into oblivion :D

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    1. Hey, it's not like I revived Clippy in my word processor. I can't blame you.

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  17. Very funny, and though I felt kinda bad for Clippy as I read, I'd still shut him off any day of the week, he was so annoying! Creepy detail about those Bieber videos, by the way, that part was scary.

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    1. Haha, I wondered if the suggestive Bieber stuff might go too far for some readers.

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  18. Great story - you've captured the levels of frustration perfectly.

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    1. Did any particular bits capture it for you?

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  19. Haha! So it's not just computer users who get frustrated. :)

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    Replies
    1. It was about time it turned around on us, don't you think?

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  20. Brilliant John! I use Open Office to avoid Clippy's scathing comments...

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  21. Up to now, my favorite Clippy humor was the one where the user's starting a suicide note and Clippy is getting ready to help the deed get done. Up to now. This one's my new favorite.

    Oh yeah: I always cursed Clippy too, but I generally knew what I was doing.

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    Replies
    1. High praise! Thanks so much, Larry, you made my night better.

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  22. Clippy got 'tude.

    Hey there, John -- I miss that little guy, too. I think I mighta killed him. Every time I was writing ANYTHING he thought I was writing a letter. It got annoying. I worry about the day I have to write a letter unaided. What have I done? Lol. St.

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  23. *lmao* Okay... okay... I give. I forgive that awful little clippy thing. Even the one that looked like a dog later, when they realized paperclips are actually creepy on their own without eyeballs. I forgive him, because he's way more clever than I am. *wheeze*

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  24. Ha ha! Yes, I was a Clippy hater myself. But in all truth, paper clips shouldn't bounce or dance or whatever that was he did when he thought he knew the answer.

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  25. I always knew that little prick had a life of its own.. I wonder where he is now..blinking away judgementally at every wrong (or independent) move we make...??
    Probably in Government.. Very funny.. and love the last line.

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  26. LOL Funny. I remember clippy from the school computers. it was seriously annoying.

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  27. LOL. Now I remember why I hated using him so much when I had to use Word at work - he was SO rude! Very funny piece of writing, John, I liked Clippy's voice and attitude in this and having worked for an IT firm, understand his frustration with the end user only too well. ;-)

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  28. I've been using Open Office for a long time now, but I can remember Clippy and his advice, (Which I almost always was in need of.)

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  29. I call Clippy's BS. Word has *never* encouraged the user to format documents properly. Feature sets don't matter if you don't understand how they're supposed to be structured. And there is no more "Edit menu" -- they got rid of that when they switched to the tab/ribbon structure.

    Which are all only more reasons why I only use Word at work, and OpenOffice/LibreOffice at home.

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  30. I actually, in fact, laughed out loud while reading this. It was a delightful read. Well-written and well done!

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  31. Clippy is a mean little bastard! [swats paperclip off screen] Well done! :D

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  32. No matter what he tells you, Clippy is annoying when he pops up insistently - no wonder he gets relegated to the 'basement of the computer' so often. Loved this, John, what inspired you to give Clippy a voice - was it another squirmish with Clippy or Word? :)

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