Friday, May 25, 2012

Bathroom Monologue: Frankenstein's Monsters

When they heard what Frankenstein was up to the town put up quite a ruckus. Anyone without a flashlight (and there were quite a few, as they hadn’t been invented yet) lit a stick on fire and called it a torch. Dozens of howling fire-bearers in jockey shorts hustled up to the gates of Castle Frankenstein and beat on the doors until the Doctor showed his face.

“There is no—” he started to lie, but was cut off by the town Point Guard.

“Germany hasn’t won the gold medal in basketball in years and we hear you’ve got a seven-foot undead countryman up there. Can he come out and play?”

“You can’t…” The Doctor paused. “Wait, you want to what?”

“We want to see if he can slam dunk. We’ve never had a player who could reach the net without a step-ladder, and that’s illegal in the Olympics.”

Dr. Frankenstein kept most of his body braced behind the door, but poked his face out to stare at the jockey-shorted rioters.

“You don’t want to kill him?”

“Listen,” said the Point Guard, “we aren’t very tall and we don’t bathe often, but we’re very technically sound.”

The Doctor put a hand on his hip. “I didn’t know there was a local basketball team.”

“Yes, advertising is difficult without moveable type. We’re buying a machine on lay-away, but all we have right now is the letter A, and eventually get bored of stamping everything with the same vowel.”

“So you don’t want to kill my creation?”

“Heavens no! We want to kill that insipid American team that wins all the time. President James Monroe drives the lane like it’s his doctrine. It’s terribly frustrating. That’s why we need your giant. Let’s see him bowl over a man stitched together from the best German bodies available.”

The Doctor laughed nervously. “Here I thought you were coming to kill the Monster…”

“Monster?” the Point Guard exclaimed and look back at the crowd. Their faces lit up in unison.

Another in the crowd cried, “That’s brilliant! We needed a team name.”

The Point Guard thrust his arm in the air. “Here’s to Frankenstein’s Monsters!”

Then the jockey-shorted peasants began pumping their torches and chanting, “Mon-sters! Mon-sters!” Except in German.

34 comments:

  1. John, this is a flash of gold! That first paragraph and the last line made me laugh too. Superb.

    I'll come back to this one when I need a smile.

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    1. Please, feel free to bookmark! I felt bad that this was languishing and had to bring it out. So glad people are getting a kick out of it.

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  2. Hi there John -- just the kind of thing I like: things veering off into a moment of speculative madness. And yet, so sound. Frankenstein's monster's basketball skills -- have they ever been contemplated before? And why not? Surely he'd be a seven foot, lumbering slam-dunk machine.

    "Let’s see him bowl over a man stitched together from the best German bodies available.”

    Ha, Ha, Ha.

    St.

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    1. I figured this would be up your alley, Stephen, after your wild senior citizens and kung fu mash-up. And tickled you enjoyed the German bodies line. I love your "lumbering slam-dunk machine" description.

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  3. a hoot, made me want to shake my pom poms. But isn't he going to be a bit slow travelling across the Court?

    marc nash

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    1. He will probably need some floor-training, and some custom sneakers.

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  4. Bwahahaha. Oh, no. I knew there was a reason I don't like sports.

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    1. Does that mean you wound up detesting this one, Jen, or was it just another scientific-abomination-as-sports-scandal for you?

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  5. Nice twist, well told. It's nice to be surprised when reading fiction.

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    1. What struck you as the twist, Peter? Just that the locals were peaceful (and absurd in motivation)?

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  6. A lovely bit of funny on my Friday! Nice one, John. The last line's killer.

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  7. Yes, this is what fridayflash is all about, giving yourself free rein to come up with something utterly new. Most enjoyable. I love all the references to the things not invented yet.

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  8. Well, that's one way to put together a team! Very chucklesome. Nice one!

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  9. LOL "It's on layaway." I haven't heard that term in quite some time. I wonder what the cheerleading team looks like...or, maybe not.

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    1. That's brilliant. Reminds me of when we lived in Germany (within sight of Frankenstein's castle btw). We went to Cologne for a weekend trip, but there were people marching all over the street, holding banners with bloody letters painted on them. We weren't completely fluent in German, but we could understand the word "Devil." We were scared out of our wits, having gotten the whole briefing about terrorism against American military (this was way before 911). Turned out it was for a sporting event. I think it was soccer. Sooo, yeah, we felt like dumb tourists! :D

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    2. Lisa, I figure if I'm discussing 200-year-old SciFi, I can dig up twenty-year-old marketing silliness, right?

      Cathy, see? Sports can make any culture seem mad.

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  10. I hope the monster doesn't let the pressure of playing a good game make him fall apart at the seams :P. Fun story! Except in German made me chuckle :).

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  11. You know I have a special place in my heart for Monsters. :)

    The "except in German" line made me smile.

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  12. Hmm... I wonder if he could be recruited away to play at Nebraska. We have a history of adding European jucos to the roster. Then again, the last German we recruited was a showboater with great hair.

    I rather liked "Can he come out and play?" Well done, John.

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  13. Unmensch, Unmensch, Unmensch. You have a great touch with humor and I like this idea of peasants welcoming any monster who might give them a chance of the game.

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  14. This has a lovely insane tone for Towel Day.

    I have to admit, though, I got all the way to the end and was still thinking, "German people are short? Since when?" Werner Herzog is 6'1".

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  15. Dieses Geschichte gefellt mir!

    Do you think he could come play for my team?

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  16. This was a great laugh all the way through! "Can he come out to play?" Heehee.

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  17. There wasn't a single part of that that didn't make me laugh my ass off!

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  18. I just smile every time I think of Frankenstein's monster dribbling the ball, running down a basketball court, wearing those massive heavy boots of his. :-)

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  19. I really enjoyed this all the way through.

    The last line got me wondering what "monster" is in German. The year and a half I studied the language back in high school has deteriorated to a mere handful of words and, sadly, monster is not one of them. Naturally I turned to http://translate.google.com/ and had to laugh when its first offering was "Monster." There are several other possibilities including Unmensch that Aidan used in his comment.

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  20. Spent last fall and winter ringing my own changes on this tale, so yours made me laugh twice as much... basketball... ok, probably anachronistic, definitely anachronistic (the bit about the type likewise) but who cares, because it was funny.

    The dialogue was great, and the narration, well, you had me at "anyone without a flashlight" and the parenthetical following.

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  21. Man, the American team will be in big trouble if the monster commits a flagrant foul. I picture him ripping off some arms. Love it!

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  22. You had me chanting along as well "Mon-sters!" (In my head, though. Not aloud.)

    Thanks for making me laugh.

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  23. Very amusing - and the history of horror would be very different indeed!

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