Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Bathroom Monologue: Boy of Steel

I remember when the Man of Steel first learned how to turn his skin. He was the Boy of Steel back then, living in the Hawkins’s basement since his parents ran out on him young. He was a confused boy even before he turned bulletproof. Just struggled with his C-average and afterschool job at the dog pound.

He had all the opportunities in the world. You develop a talent like o that, and you’re set for money. The military would have drafted him if it was legal. The NFL threw money at him, and two of the crappier cable networks offered him his own show. I saw someone from the Google annoying him on the walk home from school, trying to talk him into being the official mascot of Chrome. Whatever the hell that is.

The other kids were miserable to him. They’d stick magnets to his back, or steal his homework and leave it in the cans-recycling bin. Boy of Steel just needed companionship, which is probably why he kept his job at the pound for so long, and started adopting when he had the money.

He adopted all the dogs that bit – the traumatized ones that didn’t know better – to live in the Hawkins’s basement with him. Because he was steel whenever he wanted, they couldn’t hurt him, and he could really gradually get them comfortable around people. This was near the end of his teens, but I think they helped break him in, too, because shrugging off all that biting makes talking to girls easier. The dogs that never could get comfortable around people, I guess he kept. He still has twp Springer Spaniels and a Corgi of Steel living with him. It’s kind of a family.


  1. "Shrugging off all that biting makes talking to girls easier." Love that line. Just trying to imagine a bitey Springer, almost a contradiction in terms.

    1. My family had one Springer when we were kids who was absolutely loving, unless chocolate was involved. But I've encountered some abused Springers that would bite at almost any opportunity. It was very sad.

  2. I think that abused anything has a tendency to bite. I am suprised that the boy/man of steel didn't have tendencies that way. Not unexpected, not unjustified.
    And the only time I have ever been bitten by a dog it was a corgi - she had to jump to bite me above the knee, but she was determined and did so. I learned to walk pulling myself up on a German Shepherd's tail, and I teethed on the poor dog's ears. I am told that he walked very slowly so as to not pull me off my feet, and turned his head away and sighed when I bit him. He did on the other hand steal my bottle every chance he got. Sorry. I have stopped rambling and am going away quietly now.


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