Bathroom Monologue: The End Times Are Over

"Fifty percent of Americans think the end times are coming for good reason: they already have. There’s a general feeling on earth that bad stuff is going down, and because you can’t see the ravages of the spiritual war, it’s easy to misconstrue them as coming. But the Apocalypse already came.

"You see, Jesus and his Apostles all thought the war to end all wars was going to happen soon. Revelations was like a trailer. A coming attraction. They wanted the audience to know what was up and to be on the lookout for any Jezebels and lakes of fire.

"Publishing the New Testament actually accelerated the whole thing. Satan got an advanced copy, having always had great connections in publishing, and was wickedly pissed at how little face time he got. There was about as much sex-bashing and Satan-bashing up until the end, and then at the end, Revelations was all about how he would lose. It was smack talk.

"Because you can’t sue God for libel (being omnipotent and omniscient, anything He says automatically becomes true and thus not libelous), Satan speed-dialed his side. Up went the Antichrist, the Horsemen, the many-headed hounds, the armies of sinners – the whole infernal deal. And because mass transit was a thousand years away from being invented, they arrived in a barren desert. The Hosts of Heaven fought them to a gory end with nobody in sight. With nobody in sight, nobody could write about it and the Newer Testament end to the Bible Trilogy went unwritten.

"But the end times are over. I’m sincerely sorry you all missed it."