Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Bathroom Monologue: The Cutting Edge of Football

The following is an experimental product to be sold only to the most adventurous professional NFL team.

Do you think it’s odd that it’s illegal for a ball carrier to kick or punch the defense, which is empowered to tackled and injure him? Surely a few well-placed blows to the opposing team would greatly reduce the pain a Running Back suffers over the course of a season. Yet he is not permitted even the slightest physical altercation against attackers.

To my best scrutiny of the NFL’s rules, he is allowed to wear protective clothing. This includes armored chest pieces, thigh pieces and helmets, all meager, if well-intentioned, defensive gear for a collision with an attacker. But as the best Americans have often pointed out, the best defense is a good offense, and to protect the most important parts of your offense.

Consider the benefits of a chest plate covered in knives.

Not truly covered – only six protruding from the pectorals and shoulders would dissuade many linebackers from most high-speed physical contact. If tackled, the attacker would surely get the worst of it, but preliminary testing in high school football programs suggests an 86% decrease in general tackling. And good luck stripping the ball of a Running Back who’s impaled the pigskin on his left boob.

Detractors will say this is illegal, immoral, or ruining the game. They say this about every advancement in personal safety. I say if you’re going to dress like a Raider, then dress like you mean it. You’re protecting your players and keeping the NFL on the cutting edge.


  1. It would make football make more sense to those, like me, who are ignorant of the rules and regulations and see only the aggression. And never has the 'cutting edge' of your final sentence been more appropriate.
    A very minor quibble - am I right in thinking 'Yet he is now permitted' should read 'Yet he is not permitted'.

  2. Now you're talking Rollerball! Without the stupid roller skates. Nice.

  3. Things just haven't been the same since they banned the Flying Wedge.

  4. Someday I'm sure we'll see these death sports. And the masses will eat them up.

  5. LMAO! I wasn't sure where it was going but then you delivered. That was hilarious.

  6. I don't know much about football, but this sounds hardcore.

  7. I second Tony. More subtle. Well, until limbs get cut off...


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