Friday, November 8, 2013

Bathroom Monologue: Telling Dad

There were only my parents left to tell. I rolled up to the house and found Dad on the porch. An extension cord ran through the window to power a fan that blew into his face while he smoked his pipe. Maybe that’s why he was smiling. It was a rare event.

My bowels tightened as I approached, but it was probably better to catch him in a good mood for this.

"Hey Dad," I said. "Can we talk a minute? I have something to tell you."

"Is it that you're going to pay back-rent for the eighteen years I raised you?"

“You don’t have the legal grounds for that, Dad.”

“You going to pay me back for sending you to law school, then?”

I smiled into my sleeve, not wanting to show him too much positive reinforcement. Dad took encouragement like others took alcohol, and he was an abusive drunk.

“You know how I’ve had the same roommate for three years?”

“How is that lease?”

And down we went. Sucked directly into an inferno of topics on his mind. I bided my time, weathering complaints about the Dodgers’ line-up and the Republicans' concessions to Obama. There was a pause around what we were going to do for Memorial Day. Charcoal was a tenuous issue for him.

Charcoal is not how most people come out, but it was a break. I jumped in.

"Dad. I need you to know: I'm gay. Danny isn’t just my roommate. We’ve been together for almost a year."

He studied the handrail of the steps. I put my hand on it, and he studied another part of it. There was this big opening, and honestly I didn’t know how to fill it. Then Dad looked up, lower lip puckered.

"Okay," he said. "I tongued your mother's asshole last night."

My mouth fell open a little.

"You... what?"

"Kind of makes you want to throw up, eh?" His lip wasn't quivering anymore. "But you're not going to stop me. So what are we doing for the grill?"

And that was it. He even helped me break it to Mom, which was nice because it was another week before I could look her in the eye.

I swear he's a good man.


  1. Oh wow, talk about an awkward thing to hear! I nearly spit my drink all over my computer. Love it!

  2. I regret to say that this is something I could well imagine my father saying. A man who carried bluntness to 'mastermind' hints. Your special subject is making your family uncomfortable (for the best of reasons) and your time starts now...

  3. Have I read this before? It seems familiar - either way it's still a very good story.. ^_^

    1. I was thinking the same thing ... but my memory being what it is ...

  4. I think dad trumped him on the awkwardness...

  5. It seems familiar to me too - rewrite? In any case good story, even worth the stomach churn. :)

  6. haha! Best dad comeback ever. Kills me!

  7. I guess the son should have seen that coming; drop a bomb get one in return. He probably did, but didn't expect the size of the payload. I like how the dad makes his point, though, and moves on.

  8. That is just too funny and also very sweet, his Dad IS a good guy after all.

  9. I remember it very fondly. I busted out laughing both times when Dad did the counter-reveal.

  10. I think he is a good man too. I hope the grill went well for all of them. :)

  11. "...which was nice because it was another week before I could look her in the eye."

    A perfect way to end this. :)

  12. Well, it could have gone worse! I liked the little bits of humor added in, kind of built up some suspense in a weird way for me.

  13. The dad's comment is hilarious. His way of saying "I don't care what you do sexually," I suppose. Nice that he helped him break it to mom too. Do parents really lick each other's assholes, by the way?

  14. This was brilliant. The line "dad took encouragement like others took alcohol, and he was an abusive drunk" just killed me.

  15. LOL at least half of the "coming out" stories I know go like this:

    "I'm gay."

    "Yeah, we know."

    "No really, I'm gay."

    "Yeah, we *know*. So we can talk about it in the open now? Great. You seeing anybody special?"

    I love the possible moral that being comfortable with sex and talking about it as part of a family front-porch thing are not necessarily the same.

  16. The sharp edge of shocking and hilarious.


Counter est. March 2, 2008