Friday, December 13, 2013

The Judgment of Claus

When it gets close, everyone hates Christmas. But they hate for such boring reasons. Imagine a better world, with better reasons to hate holidays. Like the world in which a random shopper exits a random department store and tries to ignore the bell-ringer, like most people in most worlds do. But in this world the bell-ringer beseeches the random shopper, “You better give. Santa’ll know if you don’t.”

And the shopper adjusts his bloated bag of discounted turtlenecks and says, “Yeah. Hate to get shorted on presents.”

“Presents?" the bell-ringer replies, "He gives thrashings. You behave your ass this time of year.”

“Santa Claus gives what?”

“Justice. He knows who’s naughty and who’s nice, and he systematically assaults the former on Christmas Eve. Anyone dumb enough to be drunk in public, or yell at his wife near the car, or who’s just been a jerk in December is at risk. He gets around. He has eyes.”

You can already see why this is a better world, but the shopper is nonplussed. He says, “That’s not Santa Claus; that's the NSA. Santa Claus gives gifts to good children.”

“What, the livers and kidneys for sick kids? It’s nice of him, sure, but he harvests those from the bastards he hunts down.”

"Look, what is your deal? Is this a hard sell for charity? Because it's gross."

"I'm just trying to warn you about the hazards of Santa Claus."

"He's not even real. Goodbye."

"Whoa, whoa." And the bell-ringer steps away from the man and his own kettle as though wanting to dodge any flying reindeer crap that might hurtle their way. "You did not just deny Santa."

Instead of leaving, the shopper cocks an eye at the bell-ringer. He says, "What? Are you four?”

“It’s not my fault when he cuts out your adrenal glands.”

Now it's the shopper's turn to step away. “What?”

At this time the random shopper's random friend arrives. Her name is Jane, which we can tell because our random shopper greets her as such. “Jane," our original bell-ringer calls. "This Santa Claus. What is the story of Santa Claus?”

Jane looks between the shopper and bell-ringer, then says, “He has magic reindeer, flies around in the night, and when our kids doze off looking out the window we leave presents with his name on them. Lives in the North Pole. Hot chocolate. Mrs. Claus. What?”

The bell-ringer shakes his bell at her. “Magic reindeer? You people are insane.”

The random shopper says, “You think he maims random sinners.”

But because this is a better world, Jane turns on her friend. “I’m sorry, have we not seen The Dark Knight twelve times? Suddenly a costumed vigilante is implausible to us?”

The random shopper is immediately exasperated, “Santa Claus is not the same as Batman.”

“Why, because he’s not American? And he has elves. They’re like Alfred.”

The bell-ringer disagrees, “Elves? You people are insane. Santa Claus is an enforcer of the social contract.”

Our random shopper exclaims, “He’s not real!”

It's at this point that the bell-ringer decks our random shopper. Just as quickly, he raises his arms to the sky and waves off unseen magical forces, all the while chastising the shopper, “That was for your own good. You can’t go denying Santa that loud in public. He’ll hear you.”

Jane takes this in more stride than she would in a realistic world. She eyes the bell-ringer and says, “You just struck a man. That's naughty.”

The bell-ringer goes stark pale. “Dear Christ. Santa’ll kill me.” He clutches at himself, particularly at his midsection. “I need my kidneys.”

Before our random shopper can get up, the bell-ringer abandons his kettle and runs for safety. To where? To a better world.

23 comments:

  1. Well we all know that Santa knows who's naughty and who's nice eh! ;)

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  2. Oh dear. You have just given me another reason to have difficulties with the season. Which puts you some distance from the nice side of the equation...

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    1. Santa already stole my gall bladder. We've been at odds recently.

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  3. I always hated those Xmas day TV shows of a celebrity going round a children's hospital dressed (loosely) as Santa handing out presents to kids who sadly probably wouldn't be around to play with them much, and this year there's a constant radio ad of kids saying what they want for a present until the last tremulous voice comes on asking for healthy blood for a transfusion, so yeah I can totally see a Santa harvesting organs & doling those out as gifts. You nailed it. By the way, I hate Xmas with a long run up before the day itself. from about Halloween and then Bonfire Night here in the UK

    marc nash

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  4. Reminds me of the Santa in the movie Rare Exports. Maybe that world isn't so far away...

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  5. Ha, love the dark humor of this. Well done!

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  6. "You can already see why this is a better world"- Santa dolling out justice Batman-style? Fuck yeah I can see why that's a better world.
    Why am I suddenly dying to see an animated Batman/Santa crossover? Santa could be kidnapped by some giant evil coporation who wants to corner the toy market and Batman will have to resuce him... wait, has that already been made? If so what's it called because I so need to watch it!

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    1. If I ever go the indie comic route, I have a stock of Superhero Santa Claus ideas to run with. He has a lot of Alfreds.

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  7. A Santa who brings punishments would be more like an Anti Clause.

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    1. It's really more of a sub-claus in the social contract.

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  8. I'm laughing now, but I'm sure I'll have nightmares later. Eek! :D

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  9. Yow, the prospect of losing a kidney would be a good reason to stay off the naughty list.

    But why not? The wife got a new knee for Thanksgiving. :-P

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  10. Yikes! I'm not sure I'd want to live in that world... Although, it would be interesting.

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  11. We're in need of new seasonal traditions.

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  12. Thank you for this. Really, thank you. I've never had a bell-ringer explicitly give the compulsory organ harvest pitch, but they've come awfully close.

    So how do I get to this better world you speak of? And do you post to your blog there as well?

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    1. I do post to my blog in that better world, but the content is always a little more frequent and clever.

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  13. hahaha!! This is brilliant! I need my kidney's too. I guess I better be nice :D

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  14. Ahahahaha! "That's naughty", so calm, cool and collected, cracked me up. Fun story John!

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  15. Ah, John, thanks for the chuckles, I really like the humour in this.

    "It's at this point that the bell-ringer decks our random shopper." this didn't half make me laugh, I'm not sure what that says about my sense of humour, but thanks again for the chuckles. :)

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  16. I always liked the stories, often a three or four page short in the back of a comic, sometimes part of a larger arc, where Batman rewarded the good, instead of punishing the bad.

    I can imagine Santa and Batman sat with each other, while Alfred prepares tea with a team of elf commis chefs, discussing the merits of their differing approaches to crime and punishment... =)

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  17. Hahahaha. This is so funny. My sister just sent out an email about how Santa is unconstitutional (she's a lawyer), but this is even better. I'd better try to be good...

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  18. "That’s not Santa Claus; that's the NSA." Hahahah! Read a second time, laughed again. I mean this is like a dark and funny Christmas tale that I'm up to telling people. Thanks John!

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  19. That was brilliant! And such quick thinking at the end.

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