Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Civil War Draft: How the Sides of Captain America: Civil War Were Decided
Tony: My movie came first so I get to draft first.
Cap: Is that how this works?
Tony: Vision is essentially my operating system plus Ultron's ultimate body. So, gimme.
Cap: It's on already? Uh, alright, alright. You have a guy who can fly. I want a guy who can fly. I need somebody I can trust. He's the highlight of that Ant-Man movie. Falcon.
Tony: Hell. Take Ant-Man, too.
Cap: I don't know...
Falcon: What? No, take both of us.
Cap: Do I have to?
Ant-Man: I don't know why anybody wants me either. Is Carol Danvers in these movies yet?
Falcon: You guys know this is a war, right? Civil War?
Tony: So, Black Panther is Batman with less cape and more prep time? I'm pretty sure he's a better fighter than Steve, so... Yeah.
Falcon: Dude. Take War Machine. He already doesn't see eye-to-eye with Tony half the time. They have the same powers so they neutralize each other. It'd be moronic to let his side have both armor guys.
Tony: Did I mention Bucky is available?
Cap: I draft Bucky.
Falcon: Steve, I know you miss him...
Cap: Bucky. Bucky. Bucky. Can I hold him now, or do I have to wait for the movie?
Tony: Great! And I think I'm just going to draft War Machine.
Falcon: Fuck you and fuck your streak of causing the problem in every movie.
Tony: So that's Iron Man, Black Panther, and War Machine on one side, and Captain America, Captain America Jr., and Captain America With Wings on the other? Anybody else you want?
Ant-Man: I'm on this team! I'm just small in the poster!
Cap: Oh Bucky... Let me comfort you...
Falcon: Steve! You basically won World War II in this universe. You're a tactical genius.
Cap: But his pain...
Falcon: We are insanely underpowered against them. We need someone with gargantuan strength, someone who's so destructive that even Iron Man has to focus all his attention on him. We need this pick to even the sides.
Cap: B...Bucky again?
Falcon: That doesn't count, Tony! Steve. Think about anyone but Bucky.
Tony: I'm pretty sure this is Peggy Carter's granddaughter. Remember when she pretended to be the nurse next door to you?
Falcon: WHAT THE FUCK STEVE
Tony: Secret agents are a good idea, though. Natasha? Want to be in the post-credits stinger with me?
Falcon: We relied on her for that entire movie. You just let the billionaire draft our Edward Snowden.
Cap: So Sharon, are you related to Agent Carter, and how weird is this going to be?
Natasha: ... When does Carol Danvers show up?
Tony: Last pick, Steve.
Falcon: Look. There's Thor. Sif. The entire Guardians of the Galaxy are up for grabs.
Ant-Man: We could have space ships? And you drafted Falcon?
Falcon: No one liked your movie!
Cap: You know who was cool? Hawkeye was cool. He had arrows.
Cap: Right, but this way we're completely screwed.
Sharon: Which by Marvel logic means...
Cap: We win in the end. You don't punch out Hitler that many times by being a rube.
Tony: ...Bucky? Activate Project Husbando.