Monday, June 13, 2016
Bathroom Monologue: What If Captain America Isn't Alone?
It wasn’t just Captain America who joined Hydra. Was it weird to you that in seventy years of continuity, Cap never mentioned his fascist leanings, and always stopped Hydra from taking over the world?
Then it’s going to be super-weird when Sam Wilson and Sharon Carter join Hydra, too, plus three quarters of the Fantastic Four. Ben Grimm brings an iPod Shuffle and plays smooth jazz just a little too loud during roll call.
The thing is, having all these new recruits doesn’t make Hydra more effective. In fact the number of missions per fiscal quarter drops. Every time they take a vote to raid some young democracy, the measure is voted down in favor of getting drunk and ordering Five Guys. The TEAM HYDRA Facebook Wall is quickly covered in Bernie Sanders quotes and funny cat memes.
They know they’re in trouble the first night someone says, “You wanna go rob an old lady?” and the reply is, “I’m good, but what’s the wifi password?”
This is the future of Captain America and his mighty friends joining Hydra. They’re like hipsters descending on a cool bar.
It’s divisive, and many people quit Hydra. Many others just want to hang out with Captain America and eat Five Guys.
But a dedicated few splinter off to form their own group: Cerberus. You know, the other many-headed Greek monster. They’re going to really take over the world with some really real fascism and military terror.
Except on the first day of meeting, in comes Tony Stark with Korean barbecue and a Playstation 4.
He shares his location on Facebook and the FBI swarms the place, not to arrest anyone, but to sign up and play Overwatch.
That’s the day that evil knows it’s truly screwed.