Bathroom Monologue: The Other

The Other is a blessing.

He is mindless and stupid, an ignorant sheep of architects and ideologies, yet we can hate him as though he’s responsible for everything he does. He knows nothing about what he is doing and knows he is wrong. He is heartless, has no real feelings, feels the wrong things, is utterly base, and perverts reason.

Every joke The Other makes about us is vile and abhorrent, while any insult we make toward him is the height of wit. His joke about your daughter’s weight is vulgar. We’ll mock him when he dies.

Every evil The Other commits reveals his true nature, while every evil we commit against him is accident or misunderstood or taken out of context or, really, if you think about it, justice.

If The Other was wiser, more compassionate, more reasonable, more tolerant, he would embrace our enlightenment. He would think like we do. Since he doesn’t, he receives none of our compassion, reason, tolerance or enlightenment. Certainly none of our wisdom. If we applied that, he couldn’t be The Other anymore.

Worse, we might not be us, and that would be unbearable. We’re grateful to The Other. We express it in all our bile, condescension, barbs and bombs. His mere existence allows us to not really be. We can non-exist in simple opposition to his perfect imperfections. His races, ethnicities, economics, politics, religions, hierarchies, biases, sports teams – we’re grateful for it all. The more he’s wrong about, the easier it is to choose what we aren’t, and maybe someday that’ll make us something. Something other.

Bathroom Monologue: Yet Another Crotchety Bathroom Aphorism?

"There is no fine line between what is stupid and what is impressive. The two overlap so often they need dual-language road signs. Stunts without wire teams, learning a language on your own, and nearly all respectable sports are simultaneously moronic and commendable. If it weren't for my brother falling through thin ice when everyone else knew not to go out there, I'd think the stupid and impressive really were the same phenomenon. That left me with this wide guideline: when you cannot figure if a thing is moronic or commendable, think how you’d feel if your family did it."

Bathroom Monologue: Respectable Shit, OR, Respect a Bull Shit, OR, Another Crotchety Bathroom Aphorism?

“Whenever a man doesn't want something anymore, the world has moved beyond it. Whenever a man wishes something were still around, the world is going to Hell. He who believes the world has moved beyond Hell is equaled in the severity of his delusion only by he who believes that Hell is not on the move.”

Bathroom Monologue: Crotchety Bathroom Aphorism?

“Some say the situation defines the person, and some say the person defines the situation. But in truth, what transpires between the person and the situation is a private affair that no one else really cares about. The public will define both for you at half the cost, often before either is finished.”