Bathroom Monologue: Ninja in the Chapel

“Listen, we have to make this quick, because my brother’s eldest daughter is getting married in ten minutes. I know where your ninja are. There are twelve, counting the two out here – one behind the statue of St. Aloysius, and one in the rafters over my head. I’m guessing you intended to execute me along with my brother and his family. I haven’t told many people because I don’t want to spoil the weekend.

“So let’s make this quick. I poisoned your crepes this morning with an extract from a newly discovered species of jellyfish. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to darken the afternoon, and I figured if you were polite at the wedding, then I’d put the antidote in your cake at the reception. It blends seamlessly with syrups and icings.

“So. If you don’t make a stir, and all of your invisible assassins remain unseen, I’ll hand you a piece of cake in an hour and we’ll go home. I’ll even write the names of your three associates who I’ve similarly poisoned today on your napkin so you can go about saving them, or letting them die and taking their place. Don’t rush into the decision now. It’s a wedding day. This should be something special.

“And where are you sitting?”

Bathroom Monologue: The Problem With Assassin’s Creed

Ubisoft employees claim Assassin's Creed 3 is not about America Vs. Britain.
Here is the hero.

Assassin’s Creed is a centuries-spanning series about the conflict between The Templars and The Assassins. The franchise has sold millions of copies and is an annual tent-pole for publisher Ubisoft.

The Templars are an evil organization bent on subverting human will. Through subtle manipulations they have orchestrated much of European politics, infiltrating The Vatican and British Empire. Across the games we witness them wrongfully imprisoning dissidents, levying unfair taxes, engaging in incest, and littering the streets and rooftops with oppressive armed guards (those guards don’t seem to do much more than leer at prostitutes, but they look fascistic). In the dramatic opening to Assassin’s Creed 2: Brotherhood, we witness their most evil member executing a man in the street.

The Assassins are our heroes, representing liberty and nihilism. They are a shadowy organization that murders everyone in their path. In each game you murder hundreds of people, including jailers, security guards, police and nightwatchmen, typically because they got in the way of you assassinating a nearby official who might be corrupt. You can rip men apart with shrapnel bombs, stealthily stab them with a hidden wrist-blade, or simply curbstomp them to death. As the series progresses you can recruit discontented citizens and train them for careers as Assassins, perpetuating the righteous path of your guild.

Jade Raymond, former lead developer on the Assassin’s Creed franchise, said, “I really do feel it's time for our medium to grow up. I think we don't need to make the equivalent to a Michael Bay flick in order to sell five million copies. I think things can be exciting, have meaning and hit important topics, and I'm not the only one that thinks that. There are major franchises trying to have more meaning and be something more interesting. We obviously tried a bit - and I hope it was obvious - to make a story with more meaning and mature themes in Assassin's Creed.”

The biggest difference shown so far in Assasin’s Creed 3 is you will now also kill deer and wolves in addition to human beings.

Bathroom Monologue: The New Hot Girl is Evil

So the new hot girl is evil, right?

People are looking at me like I’ve been rude. So she’s not evil? Because she’s hot and likes you. Really, who falls in love at first sight?

Listen, I’m not stereotyping women. There are abundant attractive women in this city who are not evil. I’m stereotyping you. Because she’s hot, and sounds connected, you’re…

You.

Come on, don’t make it like this. You’ve got a great personality. And the numbers. You’re good with numbers. You’re… somewhat good with numbers and after I escape and reclaim the throne, I will totally score you a job at the treasury. And after that, attractive women actually be interested in you for a legitimate reason: your money.

But she’s an assassin. Look at the tiny calves. The coquettish reflexes. Do I have to draw you a diagram? She’s a fucking ninja. She’s using you to get to my jugular.

You do not get to be hurt by this! This is the game. I gave up a lot to escape, and they have a bunch of ways to kill me. I’m the lost prince, twice exiled, bound for glory. And I look it. If she wants to bang either of us, it’s me. But she doesn’t want to bang me. She wants to poison my toothpaste and make it look like an aneurism. You think she’s honest, call her in a week when I’m a safe distance away from the city. Like she’ll talk to you then.

Don’t look that way. No, come on, that is the Romeo-and-Juliet look, the fucking I’m-going-to-love-her-no-matter-what bullshit, you cut that out! I swear to God, if you storm off to her, she’ll turn it into a hissy fit, and you’ll cry, and she’ll pretend to be strong, and she’ll wind up with your room key, and I’ll wind up face-down in a toilet. Because of you.

Give me the room key. Give me the room key. Give—give it! No, I don’t trust you with hot assassin girl. I have a kingdom to think of. A kingdom full of hotties. I’ll send you some, just don’t--

Great, the guards found us. I’m sure you don’t think this is your fault either.