Bathroom Monologue: The Moon from Lionhead Lane

If you’ve been seeing the moon in the midday sky, you are not mad. Disregard the harassment of your many peers who do not see it there, and do not think it has been following the commuters along Lionhead Lane. Those who cannot see the moon’s daytime activities have an unusual belligerence, likely triggered by the moon’s private machinations.

If you suspect the moon has been whispering things to you, you’re not crazy. If it’s been whispering things to you that previously believed no one else could know, you’ve been right all along.

Regardless of your experiences, do not trust the moon.

If you’ve been seeing the moon in the midday sky, attempt to catch it and the sun in the same photograph. I haven’t worked out the physics of it yet, but I suspect it’s impossible. If you can do it, I’d be very interested to see the photos.

If the midday sun is whispering anything to you, return to your medication. The sun can’t telespeak.

If you have seen demons of any religious or secular stripe flying along Lionhead Lane, you’re not crazy. Avoid listening to them, and above all things, avoid looking at them and the moon at the same time. Do not photograph the demons.

If you have listened to or photographed the demons, stare the sun until the disembodied voices cease. If for some reason you fear the sun, very bright camera flashes may be a substitute. Regardless, do not heed the disembodied voices. They’re lying about the moon’s promises.

If you have listened to or photographed the demons… well, then you’re not reading this message, are you? You’re probably hearing it as I think it out before typing.

If you are experiencing this message telepathically, come to the coffee shop on the corner of 16th and Lionhead Lane. Bring ear muffs and solar lamps. We have work to do.

Bathroom Monologue: Bathroom break in the middle of the X-Files pilot episode

“You’ll think I’m crazy, and that’s fine so long as you don’t dismiss the facts. A string of young, Caucasian girls have been found dead in relative wilderness settings, of unknown causes in each case, each with extremely similar markings on their lower backs and no other signs of violence. There seems to be a connection between many victims and mental institutions. The FBI is not investigating what happened at any of those institutions, or if anyone worked at more than one of them. They have not autopsied a single body. A reasonable person might at least consider the work of a serial killer or cult. I think when you follow this you’ll realize it’s got to be aliens, but you have to at least be reasonable enough to pursue what is going on in this case and why the bureau has buried it.”