Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: Green Witch, CT

In the latest exaggeration of their anti-Paganism, today Salem dumped Greenwich, Connecticut into the ocean. It turns out the landmass, which was home to over 62,000 Americans, does not float.

"That means it wasn't a witch," says a Salem representative. "But it's not our fault. They put a homonym right in the name."

A few hundred people survived the dousing, but Salem residents beat them with sticks to keep them in the water until they drowned. "We could not risk the buoyant witches casting hexes on us once they got ashore. People who float serve the devil."

Anyone who was out of town for the weekend is warned to stay clear both of Connecticut and the boroughs surrounding Hell, Michigan. The Salem representatives would not say what their plans were for it, "but I'd go to New Haven instead if I were you."


  1. Brilliant, John! I was cracking up. Those damn buoyant witches!

    Being a native New Mexican, I'd love to see what you'd do with Truth or Consequences, New Mexico or maybe even nearby Elephant Butte. http://ow.ly/2HDIn

  2. So THAT'S how we know! Thanks for setting us straight John. :)

  3. I loved the bit where they 'beat them with sticks'. Cracked me up!


  4. I'll never give up on puns. Glad you folks were tickled by this one.

    Dani, I am familiar with Truth and Consequences. That's hard to make fun of because it's so stunning on its own. It is its own comedy and drama, fresh out of the box.

  5. I'm a sucker for a good faux news story. You've got a couple of great ones here. Very funny.


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