Friday, September 24, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: Highlights of Another Life



First steps.

Running (So healthy!).

Sleeping on his own.

Sleeping outside.

First lesson (Stop standing up like a person).

First fight.

First victory (Good boy!).

Fifth victory (You got so big!).

First loss.

First surgery.

Sixth victory (He's not the same).

Fifth loss.

First failed euthanasia.

Escape (Why go after him?).

Join wolves for first time.

Kill alpha male (Rur?).

First deer hunt.

Fifth deer hunt.

First human hunt (What's that outside?).

See girl naked for first time (Ahhhh!).

Figure out pants.

Interrupt child bloodsport for first time (Ahhhh!).

Evade police.

Find parents.

Have long talk.

First cannibalism (Just take your father!).

Get caught.

States witness deal (This will exonerate you for...).

First time on TV.

First book deal (Please don't eat your ghostwriter).

Fifth cannibalism.

Career slump.

First failed run for public office.

Learn English language.

Read unauthorized biography.

Tenth cannibalism.

Escape to Europe (This is ridiculous!).

Become sex symbol.

Join wolves for second time.

Don't kill alpha male.


  1. Wow entire, and Outlandish, life in but a few words. Fantastic!

  2. LMAO oh John, this is masterful. At first I was thinking it was the stages of life and then it took a turn...brilliant!

  3. Scary.
    I didn't see a therapist mentioned, couldn't he find a therapist or was he just too delicious?

  4. Laughing too hard to leave much of a comment. I don't know why... it's just so... unique! And genuinely funny! Always love a story when it makes me giggle.

  5. Always glad to see your post. Makes me smile and chuckle the whole way through. Especially the failed run at public office.

  6. Just absolutely wonderful! Uh, he was a BIT old when he saw his first naked woman, eh? :D

    Does he look like Dexter? I bet he does.

  7. I'd like to see a Bill Plympton short of this.

  8. Cracking good read. Nice one!

  9. Deanna, Outlandish with a capital 'O.' Is this a reference to a book series?

    Rachel, I originally wrote some stages of life, then decided to chuck that. This was so much more entertaining to play with.

    Elaine, "Sees Therapist" isn't on there because his experience wasn't a highlight. It was just his fourth cannibalism.

    Cathy, happy to make you laugh so hard. Thanks for coming, and have a good wedding!

    Mr. Four, got to do something with his celebrity, right?

    Al, thanks for the pimpage on your blog. Appreciate it!

    Marisa, yes, he was a bit old. As for what he looks like, I'm sworn to secrecy.

    Harry, I didn't know about that guy. Thanks for sending me to Google.

  10. Boy, was that weird! You managed to fit everything into so few words...

    At first I thought he might be nonhuman til I came to the 'takes off pants' part. Lol

  11. Lupine - loved the cannibalism stuff. Nice & taut.

    marc nash

  12. That's quite a life. Quite a life indeed. Excellent story. Loved the structure. Fit well with what you were trying to accomplish.

  13. Had to read it twice and then I got it! Made me laugh! You are quite talented to take something so morbidly creative then make it both believable and funny. Loved it!

  14. Well, that's some life. I bet he's not the only politician who's a cannibal... :)

    Great, bizarre story. You tell so much with what you've left unsaid, too. Love this one.

  15. Sam, thanks for the compliment.

    Gany, I liked playing with whether or not he was supposed to be a person. Maybe somebody will think he's a wolfman.

    Mr. Marc, vulpine and lupine? You're generous with your descriptors today/

    Eric, it's a lot better than the first story I tried to tell in this format, that's for sure.

    Francis, often I wonder what the point of the morbid is if it can't be funny. Thank you for the kind words - I'm very flattered.

    Gracie, flattery continues! Who do you vote for? Whoever seems the least like a man-eater?

  16. This is quite brilliant. Lots of seriousness layered into the lighter stuff, or maybe that's just my seriousness. ;-)

  17. Ha! You made cannibalism funny (whereas my story last week was horrific & creepy). Gotta wonder what he is exactly: human, werewolf, shape-shifter? I like the mystery.

  18. Hilarious, John. I love the "please don't eat your ghostwriter." :)

  19. So much story, so few words. Loved it!

  20. You can read whatever you want into it, Lou. The kid was forced to live on all fours, fought in bloodsports, had mystery surgeries - I think you can see seriousness there if it's your nature or desire.

    Vandimir, I can't tell you that. It would ruin the mystery. What's your guess, though?

    Valerie, I tried my best.

    Danni, do a lot of ghostwriting?

    Cathryn, thank you kindly!

  21. Two words: F***. YEAH.
    Made of awesome John. I'm not sure if this man is psycho, posessed, werewolf, a vampire, faerie or even a human. As curious as I am, it doesn't matter because he's so off the wall. I love the tiny comments in parenthesis.

  22. Ohh, glad I'm not the only one who's not completely sure about your MC's nature. Not that it matters much. The story is great and incredibly original. Fantastic job John!

  23. This. Is. Interesting.

    In a great way, of course. Creepy. All I could think the first time around is chianti and fava beans. Then I thought Edward (or is Jacob?). And then... I laughed. Anyhoo, most excellent stuff. Peace...

  24. Must admit I scrolled up and down looking for the story, then doh, hmm. Different. Slice of Life. Unexpected turn..:)

  25. I like how he runs for public office before learning english. Amusing, works well.

  26. Quite bemusing, John. I'm trying to figure out just how he spent his wee years, and with whom, since he had quite a life-full of experience before joining the wolves. One thing's for sure, this is one guy I don't want to be locked in a room with. :o

  27. Love it, John. You fit a lot of living in very few words. Great. I love short, staccato sentences, and you have a lot of them in this one. Great change of pace this week!

  28. Was this your contribution to the blog experiment everyone's been doing (except me)? If not then your timing's impeccable!

    Love this post!


  29. this is new. never have i read anything like it.

    like your style

  30. If these are just the highlights, I'd love to read the whole story! Funny and very interesting.

  31. Monica, which hypothesis would you bet on?

    Mari, appreciate all the praise. Did his nature confuse you for long?

    Linda, Hannibal Lecter and Twilight? There's a mash-up. Maybe next #fridayflash...

    L'Aussie, it is different than my normal work. Did you find it unfulfilling?
    Aidan, it's all about how you say it anyway, right?

    Hello Jon!

    Hello John!

    I really like Jurassic Park.

    Jon, he spent most of them in the backyard and in some concrete pits.

    John, I'm glad you liked the experiment. Sometimes minimalism lets me be sillier than big narrative.

    Jai, what is this blog experiment you mentioned?

    Yogurt, you've never read anything like it? I didn't think about innovating, just playing with what came to me. It would be funny if I'd invented something...

    Jax, there is that unauthorized biography floating around...

  32. I love that he, (it?) learns english language *after* running for office, though that hasn't held back others. So weird and enjoyable.

  33. I noticed a mention of McSweeney's in your twitter stream. I think we'll be reading John Wiswell there one day.

  34. Wonderful and weird at the same time! A unique style; it worked very well.


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