Friday, August 24, 2012

Bathroom Monologue: A Son of Rape


“I was conceived in an alley in Missouri. My mother fought him, but he broke her arm and muffled her cries with a garbage bag. If only it had happened a few years later, his blood under her fingernails would have mattered to the police. Instead they said little, the hospital charged her a ridiculous amount that she spent years paying off, and she went home to keep it quiet, until she wasn’t welcome at home anymore. I was born in Iowa.

“It was my birthday when, and you’ve got to imagine what feelings my birthday meant to her as opposed to any other sort of mother, the things… Excuse me.

“The only time I ever asked about it was after my sixth birthday. She put a candle in a Little Debbie’s Fudge Round, either because we were that broke, or because I loved them. I remember both answers on different days. As I climbed a stepladder to help her wash the dishes, I asked why she’d kept me. I remember her kneeling on my stepladder to be at level with me, and her resting a fist on the top rung. I could still smell the smoke from my birthday candle as she said she couldn’t get rid of me because she’d known I’d turn out like this. That’s what a mother told her son, so believe however much you want. I don’t think she slept for a week after my birthday. I never had the guts to ask her again.

“Rape was on my mind, not because I knew what it was, but because every child I ran into had an opinion. Did I know my Mom should have pulled me out with a coat hanger? Or thrown herself down some stairs? Did I know that any time he wanted, my father could come and take me from her? I remember having nightmares of him coming for me with a garbage bag, so I didn’t sleep a lot either, which is how I knew when Mom was sleeping or not. These children informed me that I wouldn’t have even happened if she didn’t dress like a whore, which made no sense to me, since she dressed the same as other mothers, just that she always walked on the other side of the curb from them.

“One of my earliest memories is watching two girls run away from me, I don’t even remember what they’d done, but I was lying on my back on the pavement in front of our school, and wondering why the two of them couldn’t have been aborted. I was just trying to live while everyone I knew was evil to me. What sanctity did they deserve? Even outside of their mothers’ wombs, why were they special?

“Mom didn’t allow that kind of talk. It’s very important you know that - she controlled conversations and forced you to be polite. She didn’t just do it to me; I overheard her doing it to the strangers.

“I always thought it was strange that Mom would volunteer. She worked no fewer than two jobs in a week, and sometimes four, and yet there were afternoons and late nights that she brought me to the local hospital or homeless shelter, where I’d wait in rooms the size of closets while she talked to strangers. She had… she had the bravery that changes the times. She spent our spare time counseling girls at the hospital. It didn’t matter how they were hurt. It couldn’t matter because when that program began, they didn’t think they could say they’d been raped. I think the only time I ever heard her speak that word, that actual word of what actually happened to her, was when she didn’t know I was outside the door while she was convincing strangers they had rights.

“It wasn’t fair that she died so young. Thirty-seven isn’t even an even number. She had a weak heart, the same as what killed her Dad. That’s why he didn’t come to her funeral, and I’ve never bothered to pursue why no one else from her family did. They were holes my whole life I never filled. Did you know…?

“You know, I don’t know how old I was before I met anyone who actually liked my mother. The shelters, the grocery stores and post offices where she worked were uniformly tense whenever I visited with her. I don’t remember a single landlord who looked her in the eye. Whatever you think of her decision, she didn’t deserve her son to think ‘Whore’ was her middle name, and it was adults that convinced me of that. I like to think she changed the world since then.

“So maybe her funeral was the first time I ever heard people be decent to her. A couple pews of people came, mostly young women, mostly unaccompanied, none with children. I didn’t have children either, but I couldn’t help looking for them for weeks afterward. These young women, and this one incredibly old man who needed two canes just to stand up, called her “bold” and “original” and entire sentences which would have made more appropriate middle names for her. No one cried, but there was this one Jewish lady who knelt and kissed her casket. I didn’t have the guts to ask what Mom had done for her, just as none of these people had the guts to say what they’d thought of Mom before she couldn’t hear it anymore. Nowadays, when I don’t sleep, what I think most about is how to get by, and second-most is whether I said enough to her when she could hear.”

51 comments:

  1. A very poignant piece of writing - it's as though the narrator has lived his life trying to make sense of it and now added to that is regret, regret for what he didn't say rather than what he did.

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    1. It seems like a lot of life is trying to make sense of things, doesn't it?

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  2. I may never cease to be surprised by your stories. I'm floored by this one, perhaps because the Akin folderol is so fresh in my mind. You have an incredible ability to approach tough topics with grace and imagination. Thank you for not shying away from the difficult ones

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    1. I confess to writing the first draft of this at least two years ago, and chickening out time and time again. Akin's ugliness brought this one back to mind, and with a couple spare hours this morning I set to finishing it. Thank you for your kind words - this reception has certainly shown me I ought to chance these things even when I'm concerned for harming the feelings of my audience.

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  3. Incredible collection of thoughts in which you fully flex your writing muscles. This was succinct, gritty and superb.

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    1. Much appreciated, Carrie. It certainly took some intellectual prodding to produce.

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  4. Very heavy. The anger of the narrator flows just beneath the surface, not overwhelmingly so, but certainly present all throughout. An affective piece, particularly in the current climate. Well done.

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    1. A very valid read, Aaron. Did any passages in particular read angry for you?

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  5. A wonderful piece of writing, John, especially for this week and the whole Akin ridiculousness. Excellent.

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    1. His ugly opinion definitely made me revisit this. I'm pondering posting the original, much shorter draft just to get folks' opinions.

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  6. This was a crushingly poignant piece, John. You're wonderful.

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    1. Can't recall the last time anyone called me wonderful, especially for exploring a topic like this. Thank you, Tony.

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  7. Beautifully told. Truly great storytelling.

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    1. Thank you kindly, Catherine. Did any particular aspect stand out for you?

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  8. You never cease to amaze me with the subjects you take on John. This is excellently written, you can feel the many emotions flowing throughout. Superb!

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    1. Please do let me know if you think there's ever a subject I've missed or avoided. Everything could use more angles.

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  9. Fantastic writing, John. So much to think about. So well written. Bravo.

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    1. Did it make you think about any particular niches, Cathy?

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  10. I like the fact that the narrator is struggling to understand what happened and who his mother is. It makes the piece wondering rather than imposing.

    The children's innocent evil is very believable too.

    This is among your best. Go treat yourself to something lovely!

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    1. Thanks both for this and for test-reading it this morning. There's a good chance it wouldn't have even seen the light of day without you!

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  11. It's like an extract from a memoir. It feels so real. Like if I looked up the story I would be able find the details of the attack in a newspaper. Well done, John!

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    1. That's a firm endorsement of the character's voice, Craig. Much appreciated!

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  12. Yes, the voice is very real. And the topic is very fresh in our minds so it's interesting to learn that you began it 2 years ago. You explore very well the stigma that attaches to the victim in these situations and what is taken away not just at the time but for a whole life afterwards and sometimes further on as in the case of this boy. It certainly is true that by having the courage to take on and present a topic that is at the centre of controversy you can come up with something powerful and thought provoking as you've done here.

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    1. The recent debate reasonably brings it to all our minds, but rape is an evil that occurs every day. Between struggles for rights, protests and news stories, it can be hard to get off the mind, and warrants some prodding in prose. I'm glad you got so much out of my exploration here - these reactions certainly reaffirm the effort.

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  13. What I love most about this is that the narrator is not trying to convince us of his mother's strength and beauty, but through his questions and observations, it's glaringly obvious which makes it all the stronger. It's incomprehensible that people make children pay for the circumstances of their parents. It was a difficult read, but I'm glad you wrote it.

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    1. Were any parts particularly difficult for you to read? Not that the entire thing couldn't be excruciating for some. I'm just curious, particularly given my concerns writing it. I'm glad the indirect character assessment worked that way for you.

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  14. I think this is the second time you have brought a tear to my eye. You have an incredible way of putting yourself in the shoes of the character and then putting the same shoes on the reader.

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    1. May I ask what the first time was? Love to compare. And I do try diligently to get into different minds and walks of life - it's some of the best things language can offer us. I'm humbled when I can do it for you, too.

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    2. I think the first of your stories to do it was Kill Mommy. When your stories connect with me they really have an affect. When they don't, I'm convinced they have had a profound affect on someone else.

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  15. Oh. Powerful, beautiful, tragic on so many levles. Thank you. Lots.

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    1. And thank you for reading it. I'm glad you got something out of the work.

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  16. This was amazingly strong, and topical (although you're often topical). The narrative voice was wonderful, and I liked how it showed that rapes are not just about the perpetrator and the victim, or even about the perp, the victim, and the child which may be born.

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    1. Writing daily does leave me inclined to topicality from time to time, though I'd been pushing this particular patch of words around for at least two years. I'm glad you were inclined to dig so much out of this piece. Makes it worthwhile to work on similar projects.

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  17. Powerful, powerful stuff. You reveal so much of both the mother--and the narrator--with this piece. You make this often-politcized topic a very human one. Peace...

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  18. Powerful. Even if it was begun years before the current events, it's very topical and therefore fits well in the current consciousness. I like how it provides a different viewpoint than much of what is going around and makes one think.

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  19. Ah, you magnificent storyteller. You've evoked so many feelings in me and it' s five thirty AM.

    The depth of this is insane. It covers up brilliantly two characters and one of them remains silent, a ghostly existence in the narrator's eye and mind.

    I was blown away by this powerful story John.

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    1. 5:30 is a particularly hard period in which to draw me into fiction, so I feel proud about that. And thank you so much for the kind words.

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  20. Absolutely fabulous piece! Especially the opening paragraph was phenomenal - really made me want to keep reading.
    - Laura

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    1. Did any particular aspect of the opening do that for you?

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  21. loved the line "I remembered both answers on different days". Was this prompted by the furore over Aiken in the media this week?

    Marc Nash

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    1. I'd been working on it for some time, but the Akin controversy certainly spurred me to finish and post it. Glad you appreciated that line particular - there's a lot of groping about what he knows throughout the piece. Memory is something I like to play with in fiction.

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  22. This is extremely powerful and emotive John. Rape, and the consequences are not easy issues to address.

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  23. I had tears in my eyes by the end.

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  24. You've built great empathy through this story - very well done!

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  25. John, I liked this, thanks for posting it, nice multi-layered perspective of the mother from son's point of view. I'd like to know more about the son - what dating is like for him, in particular. Did you catch the Daniel Tosh rape joke comments a while back? What did you think of all that? I'm glad Akin made his statement because it highlights the war on women being waged by a faction of the GOP right now, it must come to an end.

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    1. My feelings about Akin's comments, speech and interviews are very different from the Tosh incident. I believe no subject should be inaccessible to art, and that includes stand-up comedy. Reserving the right to address any topic, though, enables hacks, failed experiments and divisive works - and most people would describe Tosh's act on rape as one of the three. I haven't actually seen his act myself, as snippets of his TV show have always been enough for me.

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  26. Great piece of writing, John. I've also posted a link on Facebook. If you're interested, you can find me on PerfectlyWriteFamilyTales - http://wwwperfectlywritefamilytales.blogspot.com

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  27. Wonderful work. An interesting approach to a really difficult subject.

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  28. It's certainly a powerful topic, and it's one that I think a lot of people choose not to think about - these things get tied up in inflammatory rhetoric, while everyone forgets that at the heart of it, people are involved. You've captured that humanity very well.

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  29. I am definitely buying your book when it comes out.

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