Monday, March 3, 2014

Bathroom Monologues Movie Awards 2013

It's March 2014, so of course we're all talking about the best movies of 2013. If all the griping on Twitter is any indication, I'm once again happy to have skipped the Academy Awards. Naturally I disagree with some of the winners. More naturally, I don't understand what some of the categories mean. But nothing shall dissuade me from telling a sizable democratic body of people who devote swaths of their lives to film that their mass conclusions were wrong. So here we go.

The Robbed Award
Going to the movie that got no play last year
and is still on my mind more than whatever won Best Picture

Beasts of the Southern Wild

The Too Little/Too Late Award
Going to the movie I missed by several years,
but have now seen and wish I'd been on the bandwagon for at the time

Lawrence of Arabia

The Raddest Scene Award
Going to the raddest scene in a motion picture

Star Trek: Into Darkness, The Chase/Volcano Scene
honorable mentions: all of Gravity

The Best Soundtrack Award
John's already used the "going to the obvious thing-award" joke,
so this is embarrassing

The Place Beyond the Pines
honorable mentions
: Pacific Rim, Man of Steel

 The Embarrassment Award
Going to the thing that did everything film is supposed to do
better than pretty much all the films did that year
The Last of Us

The Dark Horse Award
Going to the movie that was way better than you all led me to believe it would be

This Is 40

You're Actually All Great At This
Going to the best ensemble in a motion picture,
since a great cast is way more impressive than a single great performance
American Hustle
honorable mentions: Place Beyond the Pines, The World's End

The Frank/Nixon Memorial Award
Going to all actors who performed as well or better
than Frank Langella did in Frost/Nixon
For the sixth year in a row, No One

The "There's No Such Thing As The Best Movie of the Year" Award
Seeing as there is no such thing as a best movie amidst a field of
comedies, dramas, musicals, period pieces, speculative fiction, animation,
blockbusters and an international film market we're both not watching enough of as it is,
the award that simply goes to whatever movie brought me
the closest to both crying and laughing last year
The Wolf Children
honorable mentions: A Hijacking,

The Place Beyond the Pines,
Lee Daniels' The Butler


  1. Those were hilarious! Langella really did nail Nixon. And disappointing that American Hustle was shut out last night.

    1. American Hustle has its issues, but then the Oscars also don't have an ensemble award, which is the category in which the movie truly excels. Unless they also had Best Cover of White Rabbit this year.

  2. Weirdly enough I was just thinking about Beasts of the Southern Wild today too! Really gorgeous picture. I haven't seen it since it was in theaters, so it may be time to Netflix it...

    1. It holds up quite well! Such a spirited and different motion picture than the machine typically produces.

  3. I like your awards better. It doesn't require sitting through three hours of droning emcees and bubbly winners.

  4. LOL I certainly enjoyed those awards!

  5. I enjoyed this award post much better than what's on the TV. Less boring here.

  6. Another year that Roger Deakins didn't get the award for best cinematography...

    Loved Frank Langella on Charlie Rose recently. He was sort of arrogant, but in an "I've earned it" way that was strangely charming.


Counter est. March 2, 2008