Bathroom Monologue: Meteors, Asteroids, Comets – You Have Them? We’ll Buy Them.

It's been brought to my attention that the KT impact, which wiped out the dinosaurs and destroyed the environment some 65,000,000 years ago, was caused by a single three-mile-wide asteroid. When I heard this, it hit me – we need to stop putting all our money into nuclear weapons, and start funding huge rocks. We’ve got miles and miles of stone that’s currently only serving as boring scenery next to highways, but if this goes right, soon we’ll have a giant slab of asphalt hanging from a satellite directly above the U.N. Let’s see them kick us off the Security Council when we’re dangling a man-made meteor over their toupees. And why stop at three miles wide? We’re not using Montana for anything, and I’m sure Alaska will part with a couple of the Aleutian Islands. Why build a missile silo on an island when you can turn the island into a projectile? This level of destructive force wiped out all dominant life forms on the planet last time, and in our hands? I don’t see how it can go wrong.