Sunday, August 17, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Define "Ham"

“Mr. Raghevsky is one of the most dangerous men in America. He wakes up at precisely 6:30 every morning, even on weekends, so I want surveillance tapes starting at 6:15. We will bug his room, living room, home bathroom, the men’s bathroom on his floor at the office building, his cubicle, and his Prius. Document every word he so much as mutters, and pass the footage of any silently mouthed words on to our lip-reading specialists. He arrives at work somewhere between 8:50 and 9:05. Be sure to flag the tapes of any days he arrives later than 8:59. He takes his lunch hour at noon, but only eats until 12:20 at the latest. Pay careful mind to him during his spare time in this hour. This is where the most suspicious activity is most likely to occur. Sometimes he throws a random word into google and skims the results, and has seldom searched for the same two words. More often he visits one of the public libraries within walking distance of the office, walks down a seemingly random aisle and picks up the first book to catch his interest. Our operatives suggest he has not fingered the same book since January of 2005, when he spent two consecutive lunch breaks on the ‘E’ section of the O.E.D. He has not perused any dictionary since then, and operatives assume he may have left or picked up notes from that book. His spelling in intercepted e-mails since then has been atrocious. But his most dangerous act comes once a week. You’ll recognize it immediately, as he leaves everything at his desk and heads to the benches outside his workplace, leaving all files and books behind, and thinks for himself."


  1. Thoughtcrime is a serious offense... you'd do well to make sure people know it's going on right under their noses.

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