Bathroom Monologue: Things for which a police officer has never pulled me over

-Speeding
-Slowing
-Driving under the influence of Methodism
-Breaking the speed of light
-Leaving my headlights on at the speed of light
-Being on fire
-Having my car flooded to the roof with water
-Punching an orangutan
-Underwear stuck in my butt (a seventh sense tells you everyone else knows it’s happened despite their inability to observe)
-Thwarting a snowplow
-Running over the last echidna
-Suspicion that my car is a robot in disguise (a lie – I would never fraternize with Bumblebee)
-Drving while wearing a zoot suit
-Pursuing Daffy Duck
-Pursuing Donald Duck
-Pursuing a flock of young mallards and screaming they lead me to their number one dime
-Driving while verbally composing a cogent and persuasive argument that Thomas Pynchon’s Gravity’s Rainbow deserved the 1974 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction (for which I deserved to be pulled over, as I hadn’t read it yet)
-Using a rainbow as an off-ramp
-Using the carpool lane with an imaginary stuffed tiger in the passenger seat
-Failing to deploy my air flaps
-Opening my doors, taking to the air and jetting over traffic to beat the yellow light