Thursday, March 5, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: “What happens when an Orc goes underwear shopping?” –Me, trying to stump myself

Clear out Men’s Wear, because Orcs never go alone and they never give up the right of way to other shoppers (or drivers). Orcs never go alone in the way Valley Girls never go alone to the mall and American Football players never go alone out the tunnel of a stadium. Like Valley Girls they scorn all those in their path, and like American Football players their scorn probably means tackling. Remove any glassware or displays from the immediate area – destroying a store display is one of the few things Orcs can write off on their taxes. You are advised to get some young associates to the neighboring departments so that they may begin cleanup immediately, and to give them durable mops. For the actual shopping experience, only stock boxers, and only ones with skulls and crossbones, ironic phrases like, “If idiots could fly this would be an airport,” and anything with a sports logos on it. The helmet of a favorite team on the ass of his underwear will cause an Orc to spend his entire paycheck in your store.

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