Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I feel There Will Be Blood was the weakest of the Saw films

The famed "Jigsaw" killer was arraigned today on 35 counts of kidnapping and reckless endangerment. The District Attorney, Patrick Straus, said the state may also bring him up on charges of whatever that law is that lets thieves sue homeowners when they slip on their property.

"We figure, if legally a Wal-Mart is liable for you slipping in the Produce aisle, this guy is screwed."

"Jigsaw" is famous for his M.O. of abducting seemingly innocent people who were somehow related to him being sad he got cancer, and then trapping them in houses full of booby traps that force them to either mutilate or kill themselves and each other. The classic argument has been that the killer doesn't actually do anything.

"The idea that a guy puts a bear trap on your head and gives you sixty seconds to choose whether it kills you or just rips your jaw off seems pretty fucking semantic to me," says Straus. "Apparently someone in the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals has gone senile and said we couldn't try him for Homicide. So after we try him for every trivial thing possible, which ought to drag him into court to sit and watch people think he's nuts for twenty years, we'll try him for Manslaughter."

Manslaughter is the class of crimes where someone is intrinsically related to a death without having actually caused it. "Of course, Jigsaw would know that if he'd watched an episode of Law and Order," said Straus. He concluded his address to the public by saying that even if the terminally ill killer won't be tried for Homicide, "it's good that we can stop people from saying the fucker didn't do anything."

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