Monday, June 28, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: Uranium Plot

"This will cause international friction, but hear me out. Our neighbor states do not like us. They think us too brutal, even though half of them rose to power climbing a pile of bodies. What we will do is make our stockpile of 5% enriched uranium public knowledge. We will not say that it is mostly scrap and garbage that is unsafe for proper use in a bomb. Instead we will float rumors that we are seeking to enrich it to 90%, which the entire rich world associates with nuclear bomb manufacturing. We will build no such enrichment centers, but let them think we are. Their satellite photos will convince them of anything. Their assumptions will scare the neighbor states back into their petty holes. When the rich world comes to beg and browbeat us into not building the horrible weapons that they already have? We will resist for a year or two, showing our historic strength. Eventually they will offer assistance in building nuclear reactors and giving refined but non-weapons grade 20% enriched uranium rods. What they will build and give us will be magnitudes more expensive than the radioactive piss we will begrudgingly hand over. In five years, our country will have modern energy systems. A few rumors that we enrich weapons grade uranium, preposterous with what the U.N. or U.S. will actually offer, will go right to their hearts of our neighbors. They cannot help but believe the worst about us. Meanwhile, as a new friend of the rich world, we will have its military sympathies in case anything should break out. By the time our oil supply expires, we will be energy independent on nuclear power, and with no need for bombs.”


  1. I always find myself shocked and amused on this blog.


  2. I love that you make me think. Sometimes though I just haven't had enough coffee to grasp it all!
    No matter. It dawns on me later.

  3. Wow. Not very political now; is it? :)

    Nicely written.

  4. Gany, is it not very political, or very political indeed? Nefarious laughter!

    Jai, thank you for stopping by. Happy to shock and amuse.

    And Mary, I'll get on that coffee for you. I try to supply morning laughs, but sometimes a more serious BM worms through.

  5. And so you undermine the entirety of the world. They have you on a list John. Perhaps even the same one as me.


  6. You always keep us on our toes, John...

  7. Oh that is very clever! Well-written, and made me think. Brilliant!

  8. I protest, Bernard! I'm no cynic. This politician is merely expecting the rest of the world to be cynics for him.


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