Friday, July 16, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: Doing the Undoable

Jenkins scooped it up as soon as he saw it. Its smooth swirl pattern made this dog shit perfect. He stored it in a hot room all week, with liberal use of air freshener. When it was properly dried out, he sprayed it with a few firming chemicals and snuck it into work in a cake container. While everyone went to lunch, ignoring him out of anger for not sharing his cake, he jimmied into the supply room and laminated it. He gave the dog crap three gentle coats, until the surface had a stable sheen. With this achieved, he took out some clear nail polish and the lightest brush he could find, and made for his boss’s office. He lay in wait by the secretary’s desk. When his boss emerged from the elevator, Jenkins dipped the brush in the nail polish and began rubbing it gently over his prize.

“Mr. Dumas,” he called. “You said something about promotions for anyone who could polish a turd?”

31 comments:

  1. Awesome! I laughed out loud. Well done!

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  2. AWESOME! That's just ... just awesome! Fantastic work!

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  3. Oh, the dreams we have of Getting The Boss.

    Too funny, John. :-)

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  4. This is hilarious and so well done!

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  5. Bwahahaha! This is hilarious John. Did you happen to know this past Wednesday was Disgruntled Worker's Day? :)

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  6. Oh that's just downright hilarious! I'm sat in the office giggling!

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  7. This is revolting, and I love it.

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  8. The initial response has been all I could have asked for. Thank you Eric, Anthony and J. It made my night last evening to read those.

    Gracie, would you do this to your boss?

    Thanks Cassie!

    Deanna, I didn't know but would happily dedicate it to the cause.

    Icy, getting people to crack up in their work environments is one of my highest goals.

    Max, sorry for any related loss of appetite.

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  9. Ha, maybe he should have bronzed it! It is still a turd by any other name..

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  10. Sadly, such literal interpretation means he's probably IDEALLY suited for upper management.

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  11. A true work of art! John Waters would be so proud.

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  12. Susan, John Waters? I draw the best and most worrisome comparisons. Thanks!

    Mr. Solender, you could market those. Bronze paperweights. People would just think you really like ice cream.

    Tony, are you just jealous that you didn't see the swirly first? I know I am. Bureaucracy...

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  13. Very funny, John. But I was ready for him to set it on fire.

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  14. Loved it. That man EARNED his promotion fair and square.

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  15. Good one, enjoyed reading it :D

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  16. Timothy, glad to make you laugh.

    Danielle, then I'm sorry to you as well for any loss of appetite. Perhaps I'll have to write about delicious food next week.

    Kim, I'm above a flaming bag of poo, aren't I? ...Aren't I? Oh. Maybe that's in two weeks, after the delicious food. Or perhaps during.

    Opto, thanks! So you'd promote him? He was only trying to please.

    And to Anonymous, I appreciate your shadowy, mysterious support. Come back under any guise any time. Hope to always make it an enjoyable read.

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  17. In answer to your question, "would I do this to my boss?" I'd have to say, I HAVE thought up evil plots to spite them in the past... but never really acted on them. These days, I'm too old for those shenanigans. But I can still dream... :-)

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  18. Ha! So that's how it's done, my promotion is in the bag now.

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  19. Brilliant! A penny for the boss's face. No, a euro, at least.

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  20. Very entertaining. I loved the boss's name by the way.

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  21. Ha! That fella's got moxie! Give him a raise.

    Too fun! Love it!
    ~2

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  22. Very funny, John. I'm just curious, is "polish a turd" a saying in your neck of the woods? I've never heard it before.
    ~jon

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  23. Gracie, dream on. You'll find the right revenge someday (even if you let it go in the hopes of a raise).

    Rachel, glad I made you laugh!

    Adam, keep us abreast. I hear Dumas is terrible about promotions.

    Anneke, should I make it an artist challenge?

    Antisocial, glad you caught it.

    2Mara, thanks for stopping by! He does have guts to match his determination. How big a raise would you give him? Just enough to afford a laminating machine?

    Jon, the idiom is very popular around here. It goes, "You can't polish a turd." It's pretty sensible, implying some things are impossible to make attractive.

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  24. I laughed at the fact that he was looking for the perfect one, not just any dog crap will do.

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  25. I don't get it.



    Just kidding, couldn't resist. He put a lot of love into that crap - he aught to get something out of it.

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  26. The perfect dosghit, now immortalised - awesome!!

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  27. Well that's a little different from the 'ignited paper bag full' trick, and just as funny.

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