Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: Feudal Zombies

Zombies have actually existed for centuries, they just weren’t famous because they were quelled so quickly. For instance, there were many cases of zombieism back in the European Feudal Era. The populace would freak out, but some knight would ride by in a few days and cleared out the pesky things. A knight, in chainmail or plate armor, is perfectly zombie-proofed. There’s nothing to bite on him. At worst the zombies would overwhelm him by numbers and knock him to the ground, but even then you had a dozen zombies milling around a tin with no can opener. So the knight would catch his wind in a few hours, and when it was opportune, skewer them in the head with his lance. The worst zombie-related losses in that age were some mediocre horses and the occasional man to heatstroke from waiting in a helmet too long. Even today it’s highly advisable, in case of a zombie epidemic, to contact your nearest Society of Creative Anachronism branch for help or job openings.


  1. I bet a mace would do some decent zombie damage too. I wonder what would have caused the zombie epidemics of yore?

  2. Shaun of the Dead is my favourite zombie film.


  3. Be sure to check out "The Crazies"... Also pretty decent.

  4. Laurita, Max Brooks taught us that medieval tactics work very well against these biters. But what caused the epidemics? Hygiene, mostly.

    Jai, it's gotten funnier with every ensuing viewing.

    Anthony, I've seen the remake of The Crazies. It was more fun than I'd hoped. Not necessarily good, but fun, especially in trying to channel Johnny Cash one more time.


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