Bathroom Monologue: A Presidential Offer

There is an audio edition of this monologue. To hear John read it, either click on the triangle to the left to begin the stream, or click this text to download the MP3.

I don't mean to offend when I tell you, but you're going to buy this interview. It's the only one. Millions of people who don't care about your show will tune in to watch it. They will TiVo. It will be all over Youtube, and while that doesn't give you ad dollars, it will be you on all those computer screens sitting across from the former president.

It's the only one. His book will be out in six months. It is 1,600 pages long, overpriced, and says everything he wants to say. Breaking Wall Street. Invading Israel and Palestine. Nuclear power after the California meltdown. The shadow prisons. The oil refinery sabotage. He clears his conscience, justifies everything, and everyone will buy it. They can publish a diet that cures cancer. They can have God write His own rebuttal to string theory. The president's is the book everyone will buy, no matter what he charges, hardcover and Kindle alike. A few will read it to agree with him. Most will read it for the catharsis of hating him. A multi-million-person group will buy it just to try and understand him. He will have his say as he likes it before the entire world, and then he'll go home.

He's not going to do the Today Show or Fox & Friends. Jon Stewart is not going to lure him into a debate on Comedy Central. Every show, site and magazine is going to cover his book for free because it will be the news. Not news - the news. If they don't cover it, people will find another channel that does. You will pay us and become the only source.

So you're going to buy this interview. Six months after his presidency, six months before his book arrives, you will have the only sitdown with the president. And he is the president. Someone else will be called greater or kinder or cuddlier, but it's his face they'll think of when they hear "President."

So you're going to buy this interview. I don't care if it costs more than they pay you - you will find the money. You will agree to the terms and off-limits topics. The president does not care if you find them unfair. You will realize very quickly that you don't care, either. Not when you realize how many people will watch you for the first time in your life.