Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: If writing were a regular job

-I’d be fired for showing up in pajama pants.

-Also fired for showing up at noon and/or after midnight.

-When he wasn’t pissed at me for working three-hour-days, my boss would be terrified of the overtime and golden time I was working into.

-When my boss tried to get me to go home, I’d roll my chair from the keyboard and over to bed.

-My co-workers would likely not appreciate my looping the Inception soundtrack over and over because it helps “set a productive mood.” Even the few that tolerated me would still get annoyed when I burst into laughter every single time the lady starts singing during “Waiting for a Train.”

-My employers might be concerned that I spent half an hour a day doing a smaller version of my job for free, then another hour trying to get people to read that.

-Someone might stick a meat thermometer into my manuscript. They would wear thick gloves.

-I’d be pretty pissed at my “company” agent and publisher for expecting me to write, edit, polish, find venues, schedule signings and talks, then singlehandedly do those promotions and talks for the team product.

-I wouldn’t need a regular job to sustain this one.

-People thinking they could do my job better than I can would be exactly as annoying as they are right now.


  1. Ha! I like the last one. And the first, as I am sitting here in my fluffy sheep jammies. :)

  2. "People thinking they could do my job better than I can would be exactly as annoying as they are right now."


  3. Haha, that last one was my favorite as well.

  4. Love it. I'm w/Tony & Michelle on the last line too. That's when I put on my don'tmakemepunchyouinthefaceface

  5. As someone who makes a living as both a writer and an editor, all I can say is YES! This is pretty much how it is, especially the last part. I've had people tell me they want to do what I do, figuring it's easy work, and then I tell them that while I do work in my pjs or sweats, that I also have a certain number of years of professional experience as well. I also have job pressures, especially when I have multiple deadlines.

    Love this piece, John.


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