Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Bernard Pivot Questionnaire

This is for a bloggy-go-round based on the famous Bernard Pivot/James Lipton list of ten questions.

1. What is your favorite word?

"But." By sheer unnecessary use of a word in my vocabulary, my favorite has to be "but." If I'm not careful every paragraph in every given story and article will have at least one "but." I'm a but-oriented. A but-man. It's seldom conscious. My conscious favorite of late has been 'defenestrate,' because of how amusing it is to have a word for throwing something out a window.

2.What is your least favorite word?
A special lady has demanded I not say. In lieu of naming and complaining about that word, I'll say that any word can be reduced to a nuisance. Just look at how teenagers have turned "fail" from my greatest fear to something at which I frown in disappointment.

3.What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Being left alone. Nothing gets me going like nobody being around to stare.

4.What turns you off?
My grandmother looking through the curtains and seeing us. Now this has never happened - but I guarantee it would turn me off. Probably you, too. I don't know for certain. I'm willing to guess it's not a fetish of yours.

5.What is your favorite curse word?

"Fuck" is the one I overuse. Apparently I'm a but-man and a fuck-man. This list is going poorly for me. Recently I've been trying to invest in "eff" and "nozzle" as neologist swears. I'd like to get some creativity into the swearing process. I doubt they'll work.

6.What sound or noise do you love?

Water running into a tub that's already partially full. Cancels enough external noise, echoes and creates an atmosphere I associate with being able to unwind.

7.What sound or noise do you hate?
Babies crying, opera singing and that vaguely Middle Eastern chanting/wailing that appears for no good reason in so many soundtracks. They all hit a certain pitch that makes my muscles tense up. With my neuromuscular syndrome, that tensing is very painful. Thus physiologically these are among my least favorite sounds.

8.What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
I'd go on the road with a specific few friends, camera crew and $50,000 for damages. We'd visit a new location every week and be inane together. First had the idea at a CostCo, a wholesale warehouse, seeing that you could climb up three stories of goods. I wanted to jump off it and into this massive display of pillows they had.

9.What profession would you not like to do?


10.If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"Who wants a hug?"


  1. Babies crying - I quite agree. It'd drive anyone mad.

  2. "Who wants a hug?" Bwahahahha! That's too much!

    Loved your answers, John. Couldn't expect less. ;P

  3. a great spoof on James Lipton who uses the Pivot questionnaire at the end of every show - this is a riot if you know the show - look to 4.34 mins for the abbreviated Bernie q's

  4. "Who wants a hug" got my first solid smile of two days. Thank you so much for that, a master of your craft as always. (I hope I get to be on the list for the trip, by the by. I say we go to a mattress store.)

  5. I really enjoyed your answers! I'm a fellow 'but' and 'fuck' user, so right away this introduction has us on common ground. :)) Loved the explanation that the sound of water filling the tub relaxes you. Nice.

    Thanks so much for playing along!

  6. I enjoyed this, learning a little more about you.

    Btw, the best swear word (that's not really, because I try to be good especially around my little boy) is 'Smeg!'

  7. These answers are great!! I'm still laughing over #1 :D


  8. Awesome answers! Go on the road and raise hell. Count me in!

  9. I love your answers, John! But fuck, I knew you'd entertain. (Do I get any points for using your two words back to back?)

  10. Number 10 is my favorite. What a wonderful way to be put at ease.

  11. Did Laura Eno just say 'but fuck?'
    John, can't you do something about keeping the rabble out? Maybe you can invite somebody's Granny to peek in on Mizz Eno.
    (LOVED your answers.. just hilarious! And you should get a prize for best Pearly Gates answer!)

  12. Can't keep the rabble out, Cathy. ;)

  13. Alone. I don't enjoy that enough when I have it.
    Thanks for sharing your answers.


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