Monday, April 18, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: On Polyamory and Gluttony

I would probably respect polyamory if it did more than merely triple the times people cry at me about their love-lives. Being single but obese, I liken it to food. The polyamorist is like a man who lost his meal.

If Tadd loses his dinner, I'll go, "That's terrible. You'll starve. Let’s got hunt you down a nice girlsteak with eyes only for your A-1 sauce."

But if Werner loses his dinner, I go, "Shut up. You have two other dinners living in your studio apartment."

"But they're not the one I lost!" Werner sobs with all the heartbreak of Tadd McOnedinner. And being unfortunately not heartless, I console the poor Werner all the other polyamorous schmucks.

Unfortunately five weeks later, I console Werner again when he breaks up with his second dinner. Let's call her a Pot Roast. You see ever since he broke up with the Taco Kit Bitch, Pot Roast has been less emotionally available. And when he started hanging out more with the Cinnamon Bun Twins, Pot Roast almost seemed to be jealous, and then they had less sex, and now he's crying again while I'm trying to calculate just how many women he's still eating.

Fucking. I mean “how many women he's still fucking."


  1. The meal analogy works for me. I've always thought the folks who go in for it are gluttons (for punishment).

  2. I've never been able to get my head around the idea of polyamory as anything but an excuse to sleep around without guilt. But, consenting adults & all that. And yet I agree, if Werner loses one and has two others, he shouldn't whine. Lots of us out there, especially married ones, on enforced diets. I don't think I'd be quite so sympathetic.

  3. You have a way with the comedic top/sad undertones of life.
    What would you say to Bob, who owns a diner?

  4. Hey, brothels can at least offer quality control. So long as all the guys and gals consent and are approved by the FDA...

  5. *Still chuckliing*

    Now THAT'S a tasty meatball (of a story)!

  6. I needed a laugh today, John. Thanks for that! #gigglingface

  7. Amen! The only people as bad as polyamorists are the ones who have more than one kid. I mean, the bellyaching when little Bobby moves out or gets hit by a bus! In fact, they have it even better: when somebody loses a partner, they at least have to go out and find another one, whether they're poly or not. You lost a kid? Well gosh! What do you need to fix THAT problem? You carry it around with you everywhere you go! Anyway, that's what you get for being greedy.

  8. Fortunately people who have multiple children know better than to talk to me about any of them.

  9. Lol I so love the wryness of your voice!


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