Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: Fucking Genius, A Monologue


“I think we hit a language barrier there. Don’t you have idioms on Mars? When she said, ‘You’re a fucking genius, Orville Williamson,’ she didn’t actually… mean that. You know?

“Please stop doing that.

“I mean, I’m lucky to pull C’s in Chem, and I always forget to text my girl back. As far as what you thought… well, my girl can smack that one down, too. I get it, you heard her say that and she’s my girl so she’d know, and you kind of want to learn about our anatomy, but that doesn’t make me the Wise One of Humping. I don’t think there is such a thing as a ‘fucking genius.’

“Hey. Let go. I said I’m not…

“Wow, that’s warm. Kind of nice.

“No, wait, stop that. At least in public. I’m trying to explain that there are very few actual experts of this sort, and while it’s flattering you’d see me as the first man ever worthy of…
 
“You know, I forgot what I was saying. Show me how that tentacle works again?”

8 comments:

  1. Priceless! Loved this, John!
    Oh, how many times we have monologues like this... Well, okay, maybe minus the tentacle thing... ;-)

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  2. Wow, okay, this is probably my favorite of recent months. Sounds kind of like a story I might write, rewritten by you. Too awesomely funny.

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  3. How appropriate that Galaxy Quest was on my mind this morning! Great laugh John!

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  4. Estrella, honestly haven't had much cause to deliver such monologues, with humans or Martians. My sense of humor has classically trumped my libido.

    Jemma, you go ahead and write those things. Unlikely to show up from me very often, but then nobody's calling me a Fucking Genius.

    Mr. FAR, I adore Galaxy Quest. I didn't think about that connection. Can we get Monk to deliver this monologue?

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  5. Never give up! Never surrender!

    ... except to the magic tentacle...

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  6. Great little play on words there. Last line got me to chuckle.

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  7. The end caught me of gaurd and made me laugh. Misunderstanding the human language is universal. Very Funny!

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